BRYANT GUMBEL: Bryant Gumbel here at the ‘opulent’ East St. Louis Bennigans sitting down for a tete-a-tete with hot commodity Tire Fires nickelback -- sorry, quarterback -- Tyrone Dejardin. What’s happening, Tyrone?
TYRONE: Nice to be here, Bryant.
BRYANT: That’s great. So what does it feel like heading in to the conference championship at the helm of an undefeated Leviathan of a team as such as the St. Louis Tire Fires? Must be exhilarating, sublime, poignant and precious all at the same time, huh?
TYRONE: Well, I’m the backup QB, but, you know, sure. I’m ready to step up if the need arises. And you know, we’re East St. Louis. We’re actually in Illinois.
BRYANT: Splendid. Can you tell us a little bit about your journey from being an unknown, hardscrabble ne’erdowell to a star playmaker in the Southwest Appalachian League? Must have been tough, huh?
TYRONE: Well, I was the ‘all-East-St.-Louis’ QB in high school, but I had a little thing with my Geography teacher that blew up into a statutory rape deal. I got into East St. Louis State, but after that thing with my teacher, the football team wouldn’t even let me try out.
BRYANT: Fascinating. Do go on.
TYRONE: My associate’s degree in Travel and Tourism wasn’t really landing me any job interviews after I graduated, so I took a job at the local H&R Block to make ends meet. It put dinner on the table, but it wasn’t fulfilling. I was abusing Dramamine and Benadryl. I knew this couldn’t go on. But the dream of football never left me. I knew I could still throw it over the mountain.
BRYANT: Incredible. Continue.
TYRONE: One day, I was playing a pick-up game after work with my buddies over in the vacant lot by the Richard’s Wild Irish Rose Distillery, when this guy pulled up in a purple PT Cruiser and honked. It was none other than Coach Trombone. He offered me a contract on the spot. And so here I am.
BRYANT: And so here you are. Hey, waiter?!
WAITER: What?
BRYANT: I ordered a soy latte, not jet fuel with Splenda.
WAITER: ...
BRYANT: Forget it! So Tyrone, how do you like the Tire Fires’ chances in the Southwest Eurasian championship game?
TYRONE: It’s gonna be close, but we have a good shot at it. Our o-line makes it real comfortable for Bryan and me in the pocket, and if you give Beav an inch, he’ll take it to your mother’s house. Our WR’s are coming into their own in a big way, and our defense? They get sacks, fumbles and INTs like Paris Hilton gets herpes.
BRYANT: Very colorful analogy. I have to go to the bathroom. Nice talking with you, Mr. Dejardin, and best of luck to the St. Louis Tire Fires in their conference championship game tomorrow.
TYRONE: It was a pleasure. And it’s East St. Louis.
BRYANT: Back to the studio!
