Warrior General Games

Well, today quite frankly is probably the last day at my job. My boss invited me and my girlfriend over for dinner and I managed to screw it up. I almost don't even want to go to work its that bad.

The dinner was yesterday, and it could not have gone any worse. I had to pick up my girlfriend around 730 and she was late getting off from work. This put us like 15 minutes behind schedule. Since we were running late I didn't have time to take a crap. I figured I could just hold it, it wasn't a major turtle head but perhaps one of those nice friendly ones you pick up at the local pet store. It would try and poke its evil,little, brown head out every once in a while a quick sequencer of the glutes and he was tamed. Any how dinner was pretty good and since I was starving I ended up eating way to much. This turned my little turtle head in too one of those huge turtle heads small children like to ride on at the zoo. I was a little uncomfortable but I was still good. I figured we had ten minutes, and if I had to stop and open up a small petting zoo for my mammoth brown pet turtle off the interstate I would rather than go in my bosses house.

My bosses house is pretty pimp and has 3 floors. It smelt like some sort of vanilla candle in there. Which is nice and goes with the fancy pictures and fluffy shag carpet but, my sinuses were running like a obese pedophile chasing gary coleman dipped in chocolate. I decided to excuse myself to the restroom to go blow my nose. When I stood up I thought for sure I had let loose the crocodile hunter and when I thought it could not get any worse I realized he was riding my brown turtle-head! It was a false alarm and I scurried to the bathroom. The bathroom was all fancy brass, and had some more of that fancy ass carpet. I felt bad about even farting in there!

I blew my nose and I felt much better about that but, my stomach was now cramping. I said to myself what the hell and tried to make it as quick as possible. I sat on the toilet and pushed like I had never pushed before. The brown turtle head went flying into the toilet and it was at this point I realized I was in trouble. It seemed all of him had made it out but the "tail". Yes, the tail seemed to be caked on my ass! I decided to get some tissue and go in for a little search and rescue. The problem was that the toilet paper roll was sitting on the sink where I had left it moments before when I blew my nose! I told myself not a problem and leaned forward enough to get the roll. I grabbed the roll and wanted to yell at my new found fluffy prize but I had business to tend to. When I went into rescue my little brown tail it did not seem to be there. I thought perhaps it was a false alarm. Could it be the tail was never there? I decided to proceed with my cleaning and went to flush. Toilet clogs up but not a problem! It does not over flow and I see the plunger so I know I can fix it. When I walk over to the the plunger I notice that I must have stepped in something. It's at this point I wanted to cry. I had found my "tail"! I had just stepped on my own shit and tracked it two steps towards the plunger in white fancy carpet! I scrubbed , the shit and put my shoe in the sink and washed it off. All I could think was everyone was probably wondering where I was. I could not get the shit stains up and me trying, only made it into smear stains. It looked like I had scooted on my ass across the rug to get to the toilet! The toilet paper I used to wipe up my crap , and wipe off my shoe I ended up stuffing into my pocket. (I didn;t want to clog the toilet anymore since I had just gotten it unplugged!) The bathroom looked OK but the stains were pretty bad.

I left and practically ran down stairs. We finished up and I prayed we would get out of there before anyone else went to the bathroom. We said our goodbyes and as I was reaching in my pocket to get the keys my turtle head tissue fell out on the floor!! It fell on the floor perfectly displaying bits and pieces of Mr. Turtle-head!! What's so bad is my boss's wife grabbed it the same time I did to help me pick it up!! I know she had to have gotten it on her hand because it was on mine. My girlfriend threw up in the yard when I told her what was on the tissue! Should I even go to work?

i pray for him and his turtle head

Challenge the boss to a python measurement contest...Winner takes the company.

dude seriously....
this isnt funny at all, i specifically stated this had to be kept private and yet you posted the entire story.....

reported.

Originally posted by serialced
dude seriously....
this isnt funny at all, i specifically stated this had to be kept private and yet you posted the entire story.....

reported.

Seriously though, is it the creatine that gets them to fawn over this fail?

im still thinking caves need cleaning...

Originally posted by Jiddy78
Originally posted by serialced

dude seriously....
this isnt funny at all, i specifically stated this had to be kept private and yet you posted the entire story.....

reported.

Seriously though, is it the creatine that gets them to fawn over this fail?

not just any creatine. dat dere cell tech.

Originally posted by serialced
dude seriously....
this isnt funny at all, i specifically stated this had to be kept private and yet you posted the entire story.....

reported.

looks like neither of us can keep it in.

ok guys, he doesnt want to talk about this, but the rumor going around in belgium is that obama is about to give every american a 10 million dollar stimulus check.

how would serialced be able to get in line for one of those? when is the cutoff date? i assume they dont care if you are a US citizen or fresh out of gitmo.

Really so I'm not that only one that has had something like that happen? Heres my story..

When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of *****kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.

Originally posted by SoFa
Really so I'm not that only one that has had something like that happen? Heres my story..

When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of *****kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.

/thread. strong copy+paste skills. not even a legit misc story...

thats so funny because whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

Sometimes when I poop, I use the shaping attachment from my old Play Doh fun set. I place it on my anus, and make poops in different shapes. There's nothing strange about that at all. I'm an American, living in America, and if I want to have poops shaped like stars, I have every right to. The founding fathers would have wanted it that way.

reported for spamming serialced's unfortunate circumstance.

lol. that was his best work i ever seen any of you guys post. those 2 were by far the best ones. had to come back and share it.