Warrior General Games

At the Media room of the East St Louis Tire Fire's practice facility, Tom Waits park, anxious reporters from all the major ESL media outlets have gathered in anticipation of this year's Tire Fires Christmas press conference. An empty podium cluttered with microphones stands next to a projector screen.

Frank Stallone enters the room, joined by his entourage (lovingly referred to as "the awesome bunch" by the local media) Joe Piscopo, Roger Clinton, and Steven Segal.


Frank: Thank you for all coming today. Let me assure you, all weapons that were confiscated on the way in will be returned when you leave.

Now, as you all know, the Tire Fires have always been about the community. Be it our hugely popular early development program, how to clean a .22, or proceeds from my hugely popular cologne line "essence of frank" benefitting local methadone clinics, we here at Tom Waits Park know that without our great citizens of this fair city, we'd be nothing.

But a terrible, terrible circumstance has been brought to my attention recently, something we cannot, will not let go unnoticed.

Hundreds of children in Bandar Lampung need our help, ladies and gentlemen. We all know how important those formative years are. Now imagine those years being spent without anyone to look up to, to respect. These children's delicate self-esteem rides in the balance. With no one respectable to look up to, these poor crushed souls are turning to such unsavory activities such as joining the debate team, crocheting, LARP-ing and cosmetology.

Sure, we all laugh when Bandar Lampung makes a fool of themselves year in and year out on the football field. But think of the children folks... THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!!

That is why i announce, with great pride, the East St Louis Tire Fires 1st annual Bandar Lampung Big Brother Outreach!

Each member of the Tire Fires will be flying in one of these children to show them that life isnt about failure, day in and day out, and if they can look past their poor genetic gifts, lack of a masculine father figure, and various other shortcommings, even they can be winners like Frank Stallone.

We're excited, I wont lie. This is our most ambitious outreach to date. And we've got a full schedule of activities to slowly help build their self-confidence back up.

Steven, could you dim the lights? Thanks.

turns to projector screen

we'll be teaching them valuable life skills, such as:

knowing when to blitz:
http://goallineblitz.com/game/replay.pl?game_id=285845&pbp_id=12365655

How to protect a football:
http://goallineblitz.com/game/replay.pl?game_id=285845&pbp_id=12366019

How to tackle properly:
http://goallineblitz.com/game/replay.pl?game_id=209113&pbp_id=11457450

How to protect your quarterback:
http://goallineblitz.com/game/replay.pl?game_id=209113&pbp_id=11456774

and of course,
How to protect a lead:
http://goallineblitz.com/game/replay.pl?game_id=285845&pbp_id=12365937

Steven, could you get the lights again? thanks.

So, there's no question this is our most ambitious undertaking yet, but we feel with guidance, these poor embarrassed souls can be molded into the gas station attendants, fast food cooks, and of course media reporters...

laughter

... of tomorrow. thanks for coming out this year, and god bless.

too funny, nice writeup.

nothing funny about the plight of these poor children, fool.

LMAO!

but seriously tho...nothing funny about those poor children...

Aarrrgh!!

<think OZ music>...."my hair would be long and wavy if I hadn't joined the navy, if I only
had a brain." <sung in a lovely Tenor>

Next season we'll let the starters play, well, we'll at least try to keep them sober and get them to the game, up to them if they feel it's worth the hassel or not.

And you can keep the kids, don't send them back...we can always make more, one thing we like to do...Aaarghh.

======== BANDAR LAMPUNG EMERGENCY BROADCAST MESSAGE =========

This is an emergency broadcast message for all Bandar Lampung residents issued by the Federal Investigations Bureau (FIB).

All residents are instructed to implement Code Blue instructions on child safety. The FIB has been performing covert surveillance on overseas activities involving a major child exploitation and pornography operation. Standby for the FIB Director, Mr. Yeoung Mehn.

This is the Director of the Federal Investigations Bureau, Mr. Yeoung Mehn. For the past three years, our FIB agents have been monitoring elicit activities involving several American celebrities and a GLB football team originating from East St. Louis. This investigation has been a joint venture with the FBI, CIA, and our own investigative agencies both here and abroad. Due to the recent announcement of the "East St Louis Tire Fires 1st annual Bandar Lampung Big Brother Outreach" program, we are forced to take emergency measures.

Our investigations show that this outreach program is in reality a complex and far reaching network of individuals throughout the world who are trying to illegally purchase and acquire Bandar Lampung children for nefarious acts and other activites which are clearly both international crimes and crimes of humanity. Mr. Michael V. Haeden, director of the CIA, and Mr. Robert Mueller, director of the FBI, have just informed me that they have substantial evidence that connects this international child pornography network to several senior management officials within the East St. Louis Tire Fires organization, most noticeably, Mr. Rusty Trombone, owner of the Tire Fires. More individuals are under investigation, but Mr. Trombone is considered to be one of the masterminds behind this heinous crime.

They assured us that they will fully cooperate with our investigation and have received the assurances of both President George W. Bush and President Elect, Barak Obama, that the United States will provide 100% support to seeing these individuals are brought before our court system for due process and if found guilty, conviction and justice for their crimes.

As such, the FIB is issuing a warrant for Rusty Trombone's arrest should he be found in Indonesia and we are working on his extradition from the United States to the province of Lampung so that we may begin the judicial processes as mandated by our constitutional statutes.

For all residents, please ensure that you maintain positive control of your children at all times. Effective immediately, we have instructed local law enforcement agencies to implement a 10pm curfew for all residents until such time that all suspects involved in this horrendous activity are apprehended.

On a positive note, we would like to extend our gratitude to the keen insight and investigative leads that the BLP Pirates, specifically, Mr. Ham Burglar..err...Mr. FU Tirefires, have provided to us which has led to our ability (and the CIA and FBI) to issue the warrants of arrest.

Further details will be provided as the investigation progresses.

===== END EMERGENCY BROADCAST MESSAGE =====

=====UPDATED INFORMATION====

We have just received footage from an ESL party that occurred right after the Frank Stallone Announcement of the Bandar Lampung Outreach program. Undercover field agents from the FBI have capture this footage of Mr. Rusty Trombone and several others suspected to be potential participants in the child porn network celebrating the announcement. If anyone recognizes any of the individuals shown in the following footage, please report it immediately to our FIB hotline:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4opCdSM_c1w


For a better identification of Mr. Rusty Trombone, the following footage is provided:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCMjn3We7us&feature=related

(As far as our agency can tell, this footage is old and right before he purchased the Tire Fires)
=====END UPDATE====

Effin bastards corrupting our kids. Now its personal.

if there was a way to rate threads, this would be 5 out of 5 stars

I am sincerely jealous of ESL-BLPP shit talking skills.

[x] thread delivers

i was driven home just now rusty and as i passed your house...

This guy was outside

http://thenastyboys.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/chris-hansen.jpg

he had cameras with him... just thought you should know

Outside Rusty Trombone's East St. Louis residence are several news vans from each of the major broadcast channels

Chris Jansen: This is Chris Jansen from NBC Dateline reporting to you live from outside the home of Mr. Rusty Trombone, owner of the East St. Louis Tire Fires. As virtually all of our viewers know, Mr. Trombone is being accused of being a criminal mastermind involving the exploitation of children in Indonesia. I must legally remind you that Mr. Trombone is currently categorized as a 'person of interest' by the FBI and he has been asked to turn himself in. As far as we know, as of right now, he has not done so. We are attempting to get a statement from Mr. Trombone, but have thus far been unsuccessful. As you see behind me, his residence is gated and guarded. I will now attempt to at least get a comment from what appears to be one of his security guards.

Chris walks up to the guard shack and approaches a rather portly bald man wearing a stain covered guard uniform.

Jansen: Sir, if I may have a word with you. Are you a security guard under the employment of Mr. Trombone and what is your name?

Guard: Yes, I am an employee for Mr. Trombone. My name is Stu Pidasshol.

Jansen: Mr. Pidasshol, would you care to give a comment or your opinion about the recent news regarding your employer?

Pidasshol: I am not..uh...aware of any news and/or events relating to Mr. Trombone. Uh..hold on. Could you please move to the side of the driveway a second.

A 10 passenger van approaches. In the van is an adult male and 7 children of what looks to be asian decent.

Van driver to Pidasshol: I am here to drop off (looks at Jansen)...er..drop off Mr. Trombone's..distant relatives for his New Years celebration.

Pidasshol: Sure go ahead on in. I'll hit the buzzer.

Van proceeds through the gate

Jansen: Wait a second!!! How in the world can that be Mr. Trombone's distant relatives?!?! He isn't married, has no siblings, and both his parents are caucasian?!?!!!

Pidasshol: Exactly!

Jansen: Exactly, what?!

Pidasshol: His parents are caucASIAN. See? Asian, caucASIAN. Geez...I thought investigative journalist were intelligent.

Jansen: So, you are telling me, that there is nothing AT ALL suspicious about a van full of asian kids being brought onto Mr. Trombone's residence in preparation for his New Year's celebration?!?!?!

Pidasshol: Nope. Trust me. I am a trained professional. I have a keen eye for Identifying suspicious activity.

Guard shack phone rings

Pidasshol: Hold on second again. Sorry about this... answers the phone Yes. The Mad Dog 20/20 vendor came already. No. I don't know how to make Jolly Ranchers. Look, I have one of those news casters here so unless you have something important, I 've got to go.....yes, the 40 lamas and pink ballet outfits are secured in the ballroom....okay. I'll clock out like usual.

Pidasshol hangs up the phone and turns back to Jansen

Pidasshol: Anything else, fancy newscaster guy?

Jansen: So...there is nothing at all odd about what you just talked about??????

Pidasshol: Nope. Just another day at the office.

Jansen slaps his forehead with the palm of his hand and turns towards the camera

Jansen: This has been a Dateline update. As you can see, we are not getting anywhere fast on this one. I'll break in on your regularly scheduled programming should Mr. Trombone be spotted or something significant occurs. This has been Chris Jansen reporting for NBC Dateline.

caucAsian. LOL

Not going to lie, SEA Pro forums would be dead without BLPP and ESL. Keep up the great work!

Nothing sadder then a boat full of peg legged children............ except maybe Bandar's playoff performances, but other then that there is nothing sadder. Really.