Ham Burglar, defensive tackle from the BLP Pirates, walks up to a podium (which is positioned in front of the Pirates' stadium, Captain Morgan's Halfway House. With him are his agent, Art Swindler.
Burglar: I'd like to thank everyone for attending this press conference. I have an important announcement to make. Within the next week, I will be enrolling in an outpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation program. For the past two years I have been using alcohol in order to cope with the devastating losses that my team has endured at the hands of the East St. Louis Tire Fires. Each and every lost has caused me sleepless nights and to this day burns like a branding iron slamming into my skull and piercing my brain. As a result, I have found myself delving deeper and deeper into the dark recesses of my mind...[mutters] those f@#ks....[Swindler quickly covers the microphone]
Swindler: Ham, stick to the script as written on the note cards. You know what happens if you don’t. [he removes his hand from the microphone]
Burglar: err...Because of this addiction that I have, my therapist, in agreement with my agent, have recommended that I go public with this problem. [looks at the next note card and turns to Swindler] You've got to be sh!ting me..
Swindler: Just do as Nancy and I have instructed.
Burglar [gets angry]: Shut the f#$k up! Damn! Do you need a reminder as to who you are talking to?!?!?!!! This 'get in touch with your inner self' bullsh!t makes me want to puke! I don't have a drinking problem. I have a problem with losing to a bunch of pansy a$$es like those mother f-ers from East St. Louis. Screw rehab! Screw the league rules!!! The only cure to my problem is giving some old fashion beat down on all of SE Asia Pro. Why don't we give the media some real news worth putting in print!
Swindler: Stick to the script!!! The guidelines that GLB has put out are clear in this matter...
Burglar: Why don't you grow a set! [looks to the group of reporters] Now for a real announcement. I would like to formally announce that I have legally changed my name. From this day forward, I will be known as "FU Tirefires!"
Swindler: You know the league has made it clear that it will not tolerate such tom foolery! You're going to lose millions in endorsements because you can't market any officially licensed products with your 'new' name. I'm still getting my money though.
Burglar: YOUR MONEY! YOUR MONEY!!!! I don't think so! [swinging his massive fist, he hits Swindler square in the jaw. Swindler flies into the crowd like a rag doll]: You're fired a$$hole! [He then tosses the cue cards into the crowd] Oh and Art, I know you have been screwing Nancy. There’s something you should know, Nancy used to be a “Larry” before her trip to Sweden! How do you like them nutz?!!! Oh wait..I guess you like them just fine!
Swindler [gets up slowly and spits out two teeth and a huge glob of blood]: Better get a lawyer cause I'm taking you for every penny you own!!!
Burglar: Get in line, b!tch...'cause after what me and the Pirates are going to do to the Tired Fires, you're going to need to take a number!!! [Points to the reporters] Write this statement down!!!!! “East Saint Louis: This is the Pirates' year. Mark it down! The only choking we are going to do this season involves our hands and your necks! For the rest of you wannabes…yeah I’m looking at you too Hitmen…Bring it!”
Burglar walks over to his limo, points his outstretched arm to the crowd of reporters and extended his middle finger. He then gets into his limo and it drives away.
Burglar: I'd like to thank everyone for attending this press conference. I have an important announcement to make. Within the next week, I will be enrolling in an outpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation program. For the past two years I have been using alcohol in order to cope with the devastating losses that my team has endured at the hands of the East St. Louis Tire Fires. Each and every lost has caused me sleepless nights and to this day burns like a branding iron slamming into my skull and piercing my brain. As a result, I have found myself delving deeper and deeper into the dark recesses of my mind...[mutters] those f@#ks....[Swindler quickly covers the microphone]
Swindler: Ham, stick to the script as written on the note cards. You know what happens if you don’t. [he removes his hand from the microphone]
Burglar: err...Because of this addiction that I have, my therapist, in agreement with my agent, have recommended that I go public with this problem. [looks at the next note card and turns to Swindler] You've got to be sh!ting me..
Swindler: Just do as Nancy and I have instructed.
Burglar [gets angry]: Shut the f#$k up! Damn! Do you need a reminder as to who you are talking to?!?!?!!! This 'get in touch with your inner self' bullsh!t makes me want to puke! I don't have a drinking problem. I have a problem with losing to a bunch of pansy a$$es like those mother f-ers from East St. Louis. Screw rehab! Screw the league rules!!! The only cure to my problem is giving some old fashion beat down on all of SE Asia Pro. Why don't we give the media some real news worth putting in print!
Swindler: Stick to the script!!! The guidelines that GLB has put out are clear in this matter...
Burglar: Why don't you grow a set! [looks to the group of reporters] Now for a real announcement. I would like to formally announce that I have legally changed my name. From this day forward, I will be known as "FU Tirefires!"
Swindler: You know the league has made it clear that it will not tolerate such tom foolery! You're going to lose millions in endorsements because you can't market any officially licensed products with your 'new' name. I'm still getting my money though.
Burglar: YOUR MONEY! YOUR MONEY!!!! I don't think so! [swinging his massive fist, he hits Swindler square in the jaw. Swindler flies into the crowd like a rag doll]: You're fired a$$hole! [He then tosses the cue cards into the crowd] Oh and Art, I know you have been screwing Nancy. There’s something you should know, Nancy used to be a “Larry” before her trip to Sweden! How do you like them nutz?!!! Oh wait..I guess you like them just fine!
Swindler [gets up slowly and spits out two teeth and a huge glob of blood]: Better get a lawyer cause I'm taking you for every penny you own!!!
Burglar: Get in line, b!tch...'cause after what me and the Pirates are going to do to the Tired Fires, you're going to need to take a number!!! [Points to the reporters] Write this statement down!!!!! “East Saint Louis: This is the Pirates' year. Mark it down! The only choking we are going to do this season involves our hands and your necks! For the rest of you wannabes…yeah I’m looking at you too Hitmen…Bring it!”
Burglar walks over to his limo, points his outstretched arm to the crowd of reporters and extended his middle finger. He then gets into his limo and it drives away.
Last edited Dec 24, 2008 13:44:56
