As requested...
ACCURATE PREDICTIONS FOR TEAM HEART AND ALSO "WILL TO WIN" :
This is the first ranking but surely it is also the most accurate. This list takes into account things like FPS% (Fist Pumps per Success), DWDA (Doing Well Despite Adversity), and of course RKYQM (Retarded Kids Your Quarterback Mentors). It does not reflect current record.
Title Contenders
1. Port Moresby Trucks - What more can be said that hasn't already been said about these fantastically talented beasts of sport? They play all-out every play! Sometimes, their penchant for doing charity work late into the evening will negatively affect their game-day performances. That's about the only downside that I see.
2. Tallahassee Teabaggers- Clearly holding the most interesting "Top Player Threats", the Teabaggers also have the most homosexually friendly name. While there is some concern due to the possible future-uncooling of internet memes, for now they remain a contender for the title.
3. Fresno Jaguars- Cat-themed "men" of Fresno, they currently have zero touchdown celebrations that made it on Sportscenter. Also Berman has nicknamed very few of their players. Mascot is a plus, though oversized genitals will eventually come back to haunt them.
Outside looking in:
4. RAVING MAD DAWGS- Excellent use of caps to accentuate strengths (the fact that they are dogs and also insane), but still weak in their use of "IN" to replace "ING".
5. Anchorage Maulers- Cold Alaska! Birthplace of corruption!
6. Scranton Soaring Midgets- They care so much about making sure that their Stadium pricing (cheap Nachos is key here to slow build) that player quality has suffered.
7. Philadelphia Demonik- Less than ideal parking venue (crater) has eroded some fan support. When they defeated the Trucks many players stated that after the game the Demonik players "smelled like fish".
A season away….
8. Phoenix Resurrection- Bought in the off-season by a Ghost. BOOOOOO!
9. Roswell Space Pirates- Less Pirating to do in space than anticipated, also the team logo is too grotesque. Players often seen quitting after second down rather than sticking it out for one more play. Persistant rumor that team was bought with white-slave profits.
10. San Diego Blaze- Only team named after a Wu-Tang member's alter identity, they have been unable to translate this into true "HEART". Also is kind of sad because of those fires in San Diego last year.
11. So.Cal Beach Bums- Team named after the human ass, seems like someone did not do their homework here. Players have been seen dumpster diving during halftime show. Sideline "prayer and crying" circles are demoralizing.
Just felt like another division belonged here….
12. Houston Space Cowboys- One space-related team too many.
13. Springville Renagades- As good as the Simpsons. (not very any more)
14. Chicago Thunder- Their current success has come at the cost of the morale of the team. After every suprise win, it can clearly be seen that all players on the Thunder are clinically depressed. They listen to Sade' during halftime and eat ice cream. Even refs of their games are morose.
15. Las Vegas Legends - Run by the "Al Davis lite" Mike, they only play for points and first downs, regularly missing their opportunities to shine emotionally. Really no chance this year.
ACCURATE PREDICTIONS FOR TEAM HEART AND ALSO "WILL TO WIN" :
This is the first ranking but surely it is also the most accurate. This list takes into account things like FPS% (Fist Pumps per Success), DWDA (Doing Well Despite Adversity), and of course RKYQM (Retarded Kids Your Quarterback Mentors). It does not reflect current record.
Title Contenders
1. Port Moresby Trucks - What more can be said that hasn't already been said about these fantastically talented beasts of sport? They play all-out every play! Sometimes, their penchant for doing charity work late into the evening will negatively affect their game-day performances. That's about the only downside that I see.
2. Tallahassee Teabaggers- Clearly holding the most interesting "Top Player Threats", the Teabaggers also have the most homosexually friendly name. While there is some concern due to the possible future-uncooling of internet memes, for now they remain a contender for the title.
3. Fresno Jaguars- Cat-themed "men" of Fresno, they currently have zero touchdown celebrations that made it on Sportscenter. Also Berman has nicknamed very few of their players. Mascot is a plus, though oversized genitals will eventually come back to haunt them.
Outside looking in:
4. RAVING MAD DAWGS- Excellent use of caps to accentuate strengths (the fact that they are dogs and also insane), but still weak in their use of "IN" to replace "ING".
5. Anchorage Maulers- Cold Alaska! Birthplace of corruption!
6. Scranton Soaring Midgets- They care so much about making sure that their Stadium pricing (cheap Nachos is key here to slow build) that player quality has suffered.
7. Philadelphia Demonik- Less than ideal parking venue (crater) has eroded some fan support. When they defeated the Trucks many players stated that after the game the Demonik players "smelled like fish".
A season away….
8. Phoenix Resurrection- Bought in the off-season by a Ghost. BOOOOOO!
9. Roswell Space Pirates- Less Pirating to do in space than anticipated, also the team logo is too grotesque. Players often seen quitting after second down rather than sticking it out for one more play. Persistant rumor that team was bought with white-slave profits.
10. San Diego Blaze- Only team named after a Wu-Tang member's alter identity, they have been unable to translate this into true "HEART". Also is kind of sad because of those fires in San Diego last year.
11. So.Cal Beach Bums- Team named after the human ass, seems like someone did not do their homework here. Players have been seen dumpster diving during halftime show. Sideline "prayer and crying" circles are demoralizing.
Just felt like another division belonged here….
12. Houston Space Cowboys- One space-related team too many.
13. Springville Renagades- As good as the Simpsons. (not very any more)
14. Chicago Thunder- Their current success has come at the cost of the morale of the team. After every suprise win, it can clearly be seen that all players on the Thunder are clinically depressed. They listen to Sade' during halftime and eat ice cream. Even refs of their games are morose.
15. Las Vegas Legends - Run by the "Al Davis lite" Mike, they only play for points and first downs, regularly missing their opportunities to shine emotionally. Really no chance this year.
