A peek into the psyche of Mr. Rex Grossman.
"Is that Berrian? I think he's triple-covered. You know what? Fuck it. I'm throwing it downfield.
Yeah, I see Jones open on the flank. But fuck that. Dumpoff passes are for faggots. I'm fucking Sexy Rexy Grossman. I can get that ball in there. And, even if I can't, I bet I'll be able to pull it off the next go round. I like throwing the ball long. It makes my dick hard.
What's that? I should throw a quick slant? Fuck that. That's gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is fucking football. You can't just expect wins to come to you. You can't massage that shit. You gotta grab that game by the throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna win you a game? You're a pussy. This ain't John Shoop running this offense. Sexy Rexy's got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon.
Okay, I'm throwing it. Nice. Look how far it went. I look good. I bet I made that Pats cheerleader wet her panties with that throw. She fucking wants me. I bet she likes it over a stair railing. I can hit that with 100% accuracy, my dear. Mmmmmm. I am delicious.
Oh shit. Looks like Samuel caught it. Again. Oh well. It still felt fucking great to throw that shit. Tell me that wasn't one of the prettiest passes you ever saw. You know what? Not only am I gonna throw it long the next time we hit the field. I'm gonna throw it even longer. Harder. You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in the end zone bleachers? I'm gonna nail him right between the fucking eyes with a Sexy Rexy fastball. Why? Because I can.
This is Rex Grossman we're talking about here. We're talking 210 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal. I'm not just a gunslinger. I'm a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long tells all the Rexettes that I am fucking out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be. The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I'll tease them with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I'm gonna go right back to pumping that ball out for all it's worth. It tells them I throw like I fuck. That's how we do things in the sexy business.
Tell me you're not turned on right now. I am."
Rex Grossman: Fantasy Stud
"We have a game Sunday? Fuck, I didn't even know. They don't tell me when the games are played. I just run out onto the field and start aiming lasers for fucking Saturn, you know what I mean? If there's a defense there, whatever. Sexy Rexy is more than happy to spray hot passes all over the defense's chest. Who are we playing? The Lions? Pfft. Those guys aren't sexy. You telling me Jon Kitna is sexy? I've seen white supremacists in prison who are sexier than that do-gooder. No wonder he's a devout Christian. What kind of pussy would he pull on the open market? Dumpster pussy, that's what.
What's that color the Lions wear? Honolulu Blue? Yeah, well I nailed six Hawaiian Tropic girls last week. So while those assholes are busy wearing Honolulu, I'm busy fucking it. Wore my mesh practice top the whole time, too. And in front of a mirror. Ever stick your finger up your own ass? God, it just felt so right.
Jesus, now that you told me I'm playing Detroit, I'm all fucking hot. God dammit. I gotta go throw something. Now. I just... I just can't take the anticipation. It's driving me buc wild. Such a depleted secondary. So many long, long throws. You know I accidentally fucked Olin Kreutz once? True story.
So, you play fantasy football? That's funny. Because I am fantasy football. Girls watch me throw and they ovulate. It's just the way I move. So poised. So strong. So fluid. They know I'm undressing the defense with my arm. Oh, Daddy says that Rex Grossman is up to no good. And you know what, honey? Your daddy is right. I am thinking nasty, nasty thoughts when I'm out there. I throw that ball sixty yards, and I just wanna ram a stick of butter up some girl's ass. I can't help it. Football and sex just go together for me. It's a natural fit, just like any girl is a natural fit on me.
Hope you win, kid. Either way, Rex is fucking that night."
Needless to say, I'm in good hands.
The Rachel Nichols Interview
Rachel Nichols, I'll Let You Inside My Brain If You Let Me Inside Your Hanes Her Ways
Rachel Nichols, you sly little whore. Don't you think I know what you're trying to do, sweetie? Don't you think I can read between the lines in that little article you wrote about me? I've seen you look at me from that little sideline spot of yours. You can't fool the Sex Cannon, dear.
I know you want some cum slung your way.
I don't blame you. It's not every day you encounter an arm like this one, you clandestine slut of sluts. If I had a dime for every woman that tried to get into my head, to explain why Sexy Rexy does what he does, I'd be a rich man. Of course, I'm already a rich man. So what does that tell you? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to turn you on more. I can't seem to stop the sex from emanating out of my body and right into your fallopian tubes. Sorry about that.
Women love to try and get into the mind of the Rextasy. They love the mystery. They want to know: is this guy for real? Is he really just a fearless Love God who commands the Bears offense with maximum daring and bravado? Or is there something more to him?
Well, I can assure you my love, there's nothing more to me. I really am this shallow and depraved. What you see is what you get. And, in this case, what you get is a hot lay. Women seem to think there's something deeper going on with me. Baby, that's only true below the belt. I'm not impregnable. You, on the other hand, are highly pregnable. And I shoot to score.
But let's look deeper into your little article, Ms. Nichols. Let's see what kind of crazy baby games you like playing:
Rex Grossman is familiar with this cranial fascination. Over the past few months, no other athlete has had as many unsolicited offers to diagnose his psyche.
Or as many unsolicited offers to eat coconut frosting out of a married woman's butt. Did Sexy Rexy partake? You know he did. Ill-advised? Hardly.
Of course, Grossman is the first to admit that if he'd been watching himself this season, he'd be wondering what's going on between his ears too. "But that's something you have to work out yourself," he says. "Besides, it's scary in there."
And I'm not lying, honey. Inside my head, you're gonna find yourself strapped to a seesaw and covered in Bananas Foster. Just a warning to you, girl. Don't come into Sexy Rexy's world unless you're willing to submit completely.
There is no comparable research on any athlete's brain, but if jocks have a bravado lobe, Grossman's is certainly enlarged.
Is it ever, baby. My bravado lobe will plow right through that sundress you're wearing. It's so enlarged, bravado juice will come spurting out of your ears.
Since second grade, Grossman's believed that there is very little, if anything, that he cannot do with a football.
Or a corncob. And try from birth.
Through it all, Grossman's groomed-from-age-7 confidence kept him from folding into a jumble of nerves, although even he had his limits. Friends stopped using the word interception around him, and watching or reading anything about sports was banned in his house. Instead, Grossman spent his nights watching old episodes of 24 and movies like Talladega Nights, Mission: Impossible III and White Chicks (twice).
That version of White Chicks happens to star myself, Amber Michaels and Anita Blond. It's #1 on my personal video queue. You and I can watch it while we screw. You should watch me nail those girls. Broke their arms doing it. They loved it. I can break yours too, if you want.
He got out the spiral notebook he carries around Halas Hall and started to make a list of instructions to himself. The most prominent? "Read and React. Just play."
You should see the other motivational slogans in my book:
-No one fucks like the Rex.
-Nobody.
-I fucking mean it. Rex is the best.
-Watching Rextasy sex a girl is like watching God create the Earth. Only hotter.
He turned to Johnson, his road roommate, and compared his future to a craps game. "Well, my man, I got the chips stacked high," he said. "I'm going to have to go out and have a good shoot."
On your face, if you'd like. Who's the big winner when you roll the dice with the Sex Cannon? Your vagina, that's who.
He says everything he's gone through has made him psychologically stronger for what lies ahead, even the seemingly tight margin for error he'll face in the playoffs, where a slow start could lead to a quick hook in favor of backup Brian Griese.
That's where you underestimate me, sweetie. Sexy Rexy lives for tight margins. In fact, the tighter the margin, the more likely the Sex Cannon is to blast through it with a steaming load of freshly shot passes. I'll leave that margin busted wide open so that no one wants to even touch it ever again. Nobody does it better.
I know you want it, Sweetie. But fear not. Sexy Rexy won't make you wait too long for some arm candy. Maybe a week or so. Really get you wild after you see me cocking my arm back all Sunday afternoon. Who can resist some Sexy Rexy armcocking? No one can. Then maybe, just maybe, I'll give you a taste.
Don't play shy and curious with me, sweetie. If you want a piping hot Throwgasm, all you have to do is ask.
"Is that Berrian? I think he's triple-covered. You know what? Fuck it. I'm throwing it downfield.
Yeah, I see Jones open on the flank. But fuck that. Dumpoff passes are for faggots. I'm fucking Sexy Rexy Grossman. I can get that ball in there. And, even if I can't, I bet I'll be able to pull it off the next go round. I like throwing the ball long. It makes my dick hard.
What's that? I should throw a quick slant? Fuck that. That's gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is fucking football. You can't just expect wins to come to you. You can't massage that shit. You gotta grab that game by the throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna win you a game? You're a pussy. This ain't John Shoop running this offense. Sexy Rexy's got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon.
Okay, I'm throwing it. Nice. Look how far it went. I look good. I bet I made that Pats cheerleader wet her panties with that throw. She fucking wants me. I bet she likes it over a stair railing. I can hit that with 100% accuracy, my dear. Mmmmmm. I am delicious.
Oh shit. Looks like Samuel caught it. Again. Oh well. It still felt fucking great to throw that shit. Tell me that wasn't one of the prettiest passes you ever saw. You know what? Not only am I gonna throw it long the next time we hit the field. I'm gonna throw it even longer. Harder. You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in the end zone bleachers? I'm gonna nail him right between the fucking eyes with a Sexy Rexy fastball. Why? Because I can.
This is Rex Grossman we're talking about here. We're talking 210 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal. I'm not just a gunslinger. I'm a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long tells all the Rexettes that I am fucking out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be. The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I'll tease them with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I'm gonna go right back to pumping that ball out for all it's worth. It tells them I throw like I fuck. That's how we do things in the sexy business.
Tell me you're not turned on right now. I am."
Rex Grossman: Fantasy Stud
"We have a game Sunday? Fuck, I didn't even know. They don't tell me when the games are played. I just run out onto the field and start aiming lasers for fucking Saturn, you know what I mean? If there's a defense there, whatever. Sexy Rexy is more than happy to spray hot passes all over the defense's chest. Who are we playing? The Lions? Pfft. Those guys aren't sexy. You telling me Jon Kitna is sexy? I've seen white supremacists in prison who are sexier than that do-gooder. No wonder he's a devout Christian. What kind of pussy would he pull on the open market? Dumpster pussy, that's what.
What's that color the Lions wear? Honolulu Blue? Yeah, well I nailed six Hawaiian Tropic girls last week. So while those assholes are busy wearing Honolulu, I'm busy fucking it. Wore my mesh practice top the whole time, too. And in front of a mirror. Ever stick your finger up your own ass? God, it just felt so right.
Jesus, now that you told me I'm playing Detroit, I'm all fucking hot. God dammit. I gotta go throw something. Now. I just... I just can't take the anticipation. It's driving me buc wild. Such a depleted secondary. So many long, long throws. You know I accidentally fucked Olin Kreutz once? True story.
So, you play fantasy football? That's funny. Because I am fantasy football. Girls watch me throw and they ovulate. It's just the way I move. So poised. So strong. So fluid. They know I'm undressing the defense with my arm. Oh, Daddy says that Rex Grossman is up to no good. And you know what, honey? Your daddy is right. I am thinking nasty, nasty thoughts when I'm out there. I throw that ball sixty yards, and I just wanna ram a stick of butter up some girl's ass. I can't help it. Football and sex just go together for me. It's a natural fit, just like any girl is a natural fit on me.
Hope you win, kid. Either way, Rex is fucking that night."
Needless to say, I'm in good hands.
The Rachel Nichols Interview
Rachel Nichols, I'll Let You Inside My Brain If You Let Me Inside Your Hanes Her Ways
Rachel Nichols, you sly little whore. Don't you think I know what you're trying to do, sweetie? Don't you think I can read between the lines in that little article you wrote about me? I've seen you look at me from that little sideline spot of yours. You can't fool the Sex Cannon, dear.
I know you want some cum slung your way.
I don't blame you. It's not every day you encounter an arm like this one, you clandestine slut of sluts. If I had a dime for every woman that tried to get into my head, to explain why Sexy Rexy does what he does, I'd be a rich man. Of course, I'm already a rich man. So what does that tell you? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to turn you on more. I can't seem to stop the sex from emanating out of my body and right into your fallopian tubes. Sorry about that.
Women love to try and get into the mind of the Rextasy. They love the mystery. They want to know: is this guy for real? Is he really just a fearless Love God who commands the Bears offense with maximum daring and bravado? Or is there something more to him?
Well, I can assure you my love, there's nothing more to me. I really am this shallow and depraved. What you see is what you get. And, in this case, what you get is a hot lay. Women seem to think there's something deeper going on with me. Baby, that's only true below the belt. I'm not impregnable. You, on the other hand, are highly pregnable. And I shoot to score.
But let's look deeper into your little article, Ms. Nichols. Let's see what kind of crazy baby games you like playing:
Rex Grossman is familiar with this cranial fascination. Over the past few months, no other athlete has had as many unsolicited offers to diagnose his psyche.
Or as many unsolicited offers to eat coconut frosting out of a married woman's butt. Did Sexy Rexy partake? You know he did. Ill-advised? Hardly.
Of course, Grossman is the first to admit that if he'd been watching himself this season, he'd be wondering what's going on between his ears too. "But that's something you have to work out yourself," he says. "Besides, it's scary in there."
And I'm not lying, honey. Inside my head, you're gonna find yourself strapped to a seesaw and covered in Bananas Foster. Just a warning to you, girl. Don't come into Sexy Rexy's world unless you're willing to submit completely.
There is no comparable research on any athlete's brain, but if jocks have a bravado lobe, Grossman's is certainly enlarged.
Is it ever, baby. My bravado lobe will plow right through that sundress you're wearing. It's so enlarged, bravado juice will come spurting out of your ears.
Since second grade, Grossman's believed that there is very little, if anything, that he cannot do with a football.
Or a corncob. And try from birth.
Through it all, Grossman's groomed-from-age-7 confidence kept him from folding into a jumble of nerves, although even he had his limits. Friends stopped using the word interception around him, and watching or reading anything about sports was banned in his house. Instead, Grossman spent his nights watching old episodes of 24 and movies like Talladega Nights, Mission: Impossible III and White Chicks (twice).
That version of White Chicks happens to star myself, Amber Michaels and Anita Blond. It's #1 on my personal video queue. You and I can watch it while we screw. You should watch me nail those girls. Broke their arms doing it. They loved it. I can break yours too, if you want.
He got out the spiral notebook he carries around Halas Hall and started to make a list of instructions to himself. The most prominent? "Read and React. Just play."
You should see the other motivational slogans in my book:
-No one fucks like the Rex.
-Nobody.
-I fucking mean it. Rex is the best.
-Watching Rextasy sex a girl is like watching God create the Earth. Only hotter.
He turned to Johnson, his road roommate, and compared his future to a craps game. "Well, my man, I got the chips stacked high," he said. "I'm going to have to go out and have a good shoot."
On your face, if you'd like. Who's the big winner when you roll the dice with the Sex Cannon? Your vagina, that's who.
He says everything he's gone through has made him psychologically stronger for what lies ahead, even the seemingly tight margin for error he'll face in the playoffs, where a slow start could lead to a quick hook in favor of backup Brian Griese.
That's where you underestimate me, sweetie. Sexy Rexy lives for tight margins. In fact, the tighter the margin, the more likely the Sex Cannon is to blast through it with a steaming load of freshly shot passes. I'll leave that margin busted wide open so that no one wants to even touch it ever again. Nobody does it better.
I know you want it, Sweetie. But fear not. Sexy Rexy won't make you wait too long for some arm candy. Maybe a week or so. Really get you wild after you see me cocking my arm back all Sunday afternoon. Who can resist some Sexy Rexy armcocking? No one can. Then maybe, just maybe, I'll give you a taste.
Don't play shy and curious with me, sweetie. If you want a piping hot Throwgasm, all you have to do is ask.
Last edited Sep 30, 2008 16:27:20
