If you either "rep" yourself or would enjoy reading something like this get in touch with me. LVL 1 plaer accepted for the right kind of character.
This was our post game press release for todays game. Although it was a loss its still a great read.
A stadium packed with fans, beer at $4 1/2 and hotdogs at $5; the perfect blend for football. It was under these most serious of conditions that the USA Boarder Jumpers hosted the Manitoba Maniacs. Touted as a defining moment for the Jumpers, today’s game took on the appearance of a Manitoba meltdown.
After the opening kickoff, on just the second play from scrimmage the Boarder Jumpers forced their first turnover. Harley ‘you’ll go blind’ Stroker left the backfield on a pitch and run. But Beowulf Knight, Strong Safety for the Jumpers, held his line of attack and wasted no time in stripping Stroker. Jerri Moomouboue CB lifted the loose ball and the spirits of all the Boarder Jumper Nation.
The Jumpers pushed the ball through the Manitoba defense, but couldn’t capitalize on a first and ten from the Maniac’s 27. On fourth and four, Stephen Gostowski marched onto the field to attempt a 38 yard field goal with the hopes of striking first blood. His attempt skinned the left upright and sailed into the pasture beyond the endzone. “One day,” Gostowski remarked, “we’ll get some nets back there.”
Manitoba would pay for their sideline antics and arrogance on the next possession. The Jumpers took advantage of the Maniacs’ weak side and held QB Tommy ‘lil pop’ Andretti under pressure for a quick three and out. After the dismal punt, the Jumpers had possession of the ball inside Manitoba territory. Like Prom Night, scoring was on their mind, but not within their means.
A dynamic drive to the edge of the endzone was stopped by a questionable call. Pierce Pyle, known for his dirty antics, held ‘The Revolution’ up at the one yard line and came away with the interception. A heated discussion began on the field between the Jumper’s coach Sprovo and the officials. It almost came to blows as Grindelweight came off the sidelines, holding the bench he’d been sitting on.
Cooler heads prevailed and the game continued. With less than 5 minutes the Jumpers get the ball back within sniffing distance of the goal. Starting at the 25 they march toward the first score of the game. After considerable gains from passes to both Waredigoe and Stone, it was Stone who hosted the bell in the endzone after two pounding short yardage runs.
At the end of the first quarter, the Jumpers held their heads high and reveled in the cheers of their adoring fans. 7-0 was 1 quarter closer to a win.
However, the Maniacs would open the second quarter with a very telling play. Tommy ‘I want my mommy’ Andretti lofted a pass to Wide Receiver Major ‘You wish’ Johnson that netted the Maniacs 16 yards. The Jumpers’ Left End, Ooh That’s Gotta Hurt, or O.T.G.H., said after that play, “I heards him throw that ball and I knows I heard sometin’ pop in his elbow or something.”
The next possession for the Jumpers took them into a third and 4 situation at the Manitoba 29. When Japheth Meadows hauled in the short striking pass from 3 Poch in open territory, the entire stadium erupted in a flash of photography. Meadows, temporarily blinded by the flashes, lost a lace-up and prostrated himself just inches from the first down marker. Another field goal attempt for Gostowski, this one from 41 yards out, leaves the field going wide right of the uprights.
Manitoba could not capitalize on their next possession, but neither could the Jumpers on their next try. With the half drawing to a close, Manitoba took advantage of a daring and suicidal blitz package put on by the Boarder Jumpers. Cro Marty, a flashy CB ran what he says is the “Dine and Dash”. He jammed WR Dawson Ernst at the line and bolted for the backfield. Ernst, gained his composure, gained the ball on a pass and gained 59 yards on a strut to the endzone.
When Manitoba lined up for the kickoff, it looked like halftime would end in a tie. But Jumper’s Cory Waredigoe had different plans. He returned the kick 33 yards to mid-field and gave the Jumpers the opportunity to regain the lead before half with just 1:26 left on the clock. Consuming almost 45 yards in less than one minte put the Jumpers on the 7 yard line with 0:24 and no timeouts. In a controversial decision Stone takes the rock to the left for a 3 yard gain and the gun sounds for the half while Stone pulls turf from his facemask.
The first half closes at a standstill at 7 – 7. Manny Montalbo, a concession vendor at the stadium said during halftime, “Dang, I think we’re going to need some more port-a-potties. I had to send my cousin ChooChoo out for more beers. I’m glad we’re selling them for $4.50, that helps pay for the gas.”
The second half opened with another studly runback by Waredigoe, covering up 25 yards and moving the line of scrimmage to the 38 yard line for the Jumpers. But the Jumpers were held to their first three and out of the game and were forced to punt.
The two teams began a battle over the middle of the field. An honest to goodness fight for field position ended in a punt by the Maniacs. A coffin corner kick was fare caught by Dewey Cox and the Boarder Jumpers were faced with a 95 yard gap between them and the goal line. A task that would prove too daunting and lead to a punt by the Jumpers’ Claus Kofoed. Kofoed, buried in the unmowed grass of the endzone shanked the punt and the Maniacs controlled the ball on the Jumpers’ 16 yard line.
The momentum was too great and some say Harley ‘pimpleback’ Stroker was on something as he rumbled around the left side of the defense for a touchdown.
The Boarder Jumpers received the kickoff and again, special teams hero Waredigoe returned the ball to midfield with less than 2 minutes left in the quarter. The 3rd quarter closed with the Jumpers facing another attempt at a field goal by Gostowski.
Gostowski disappeared into the locker room between the quarters and emerged at the beginning of the fourth wearing, not his kicking slicks, but Chuck Taylor Converse All Stars. He lined up for a 33 yard kick. The snap was high, but handled and Gostowski drilled the ball through for 3 solid, canvass-powered points.
High fives and high spirits spurned the Jumpers’ defensive stars on the next Manitoba possession. McWhiskerbiscuit knocked down a pass intended for Moses ‘couldn’t part that fro’ Hightower on first down. Ryan ‘coach’s son’ Sproviero lept into the backfield and Maniac passer Tommy ‘get away from me’ Andretti threw the ball at him in a blaze of fear and sock. Third down was brought to an abrupt end when Mike Singletary plowed Griffin ‘the walking mudpile’ Wagner for a short gain. Forcing a punt on fourth, the Jumpers were riding on a momentum fueled by a dynamic half-time speech from Stone Steel when he promised a turnover and free Gatorade from the local Woman’s auxiliary.
Despite respectful gains from Stone on the next series, the Jumpers were forced to punt and the Maniacs took over on their own 18.
The Maniacs went into full fledged panic mode. They knew they had to keep the ball out of the Jumpers’ hands. They drove into Jumpers territory to a first and ten at the 22. Griffin ‘paint huffer’ Wagner took the handoff on first down and met Stone Steel. Steel made good his halftime prophecy when he punched the ball loose. However, Drew ‘shoegazer’ Chambers landed on the ball with his considerable girth and the Maniacs would maintain control.
Without any further progress the Maniacs were forced into a filed goal situation at the 2 minute warning. Jon ‘European’ Chambers aired out a 29 yard attempt that bounced under the crossbar and the USA Boarder Jumpers took the ball on their own 12 yard line with 1:54 left in the game. Down by 4 points, the Jumpers needed to conquer 88 yards and find the endzone for the win.
The sky over the Jumpers’ field took on the image of the skies over Bagdad as 3 Poch unleashed an artillery attack on the Maniac secondary. Gambling on a 4th and 4, 3 Poch drilled a shot to the right sideline. Manitobian Pierce ‘dirty filthy nasty’ Pyle got his hands on the ball but ‘The Revolution’ Prince was not going to be beat again and wrestled the ball free for the dynamic first down at the Jumpers’ 31 yard line.
Pushing into midfield the Jumpers were again faced with a 4th down. 3 Poch was unimpressed with the posture of Maniac Big ‘and also hairy’ Sexy and made him pay when he completed another 1st down pass this time to the quiet Gyula Halmos.
When Jeffery Kowalczyk hauled in a daring pass over the middle of the field to the Maniac’s 18 yard line for a first down the Jumpers burned their last timeout. When the ball would snap again, there would only be 8 seconds left for the Boarder Jumpers to reach the endzone..
The first down pass to Randy Edwards sailed high. With just 5 ticks left on the scoreboard 3 Poch dropped back into a deep pocet. The O-line held and held, but the secondary put on a man-coverage seminar giving Esteban ‘crazy legs’ Holmes a chance to get into the backfield. 3 Poch lofted the pass down the right side for Dillon James, but again the questionable play of Pierce ‘touchy and grabby and holding and all’ Pyle interrupted the play. Without a flag the game ended 10-14 and the Manitoba Maniacs ran straight to their bus and departed before the fans could get a hold of them.
This was our post game press release for todays game. Although it was a loss its still a great read.
A stadium packed with fans, beer at $4 1/2 and hotdogs at $5; the perfect blend for football. It was under these most serious of conditions that the USA Boarder Jumpers hosted the Manitoba Maniacs. Touted as a defining moment for the Jumpers, today’s game took on the appearance of a Manitoba meltdown.
After the opening kickoff, on just the second play from scrimmage the Boarder Jumpers forced their first turnover. Harley ‘you’ll go blind’ Stroker left the backfield on a pitch and run. But Beowulf Knight, Strong Safety for the Jumpers, held his line of attack and wasted no time in stripping Stroker. Jerri Moomouboue CB lifted the loose ball and the spirits of all the Boarder Jumper Nation.
The Jumpers pushed the ball through the Manitoba defense, but couldn’t capitalize on a first and ten from the Maniac’s 27. On fourth and four, Stephen Gostowski marched onto the field to attempt a 38 yard field goal with the hopes of striking first blood. His attempt skinned the left upright and sailed into the pasture beyond the endzone. “One day,” Gostowski remarked, “we’ll get some nets back there.”
Manitoba would pay for their sideline antics and arrogance on the next possession. The Jumpers took advantage of the Maniacs’ weak side and held QB Tommy ‘lil pop’ Andretti under pressure for a quick three and out. After the dismal punt, the Jumpers had possession of the ball inside Manitoba territory. Like Prom Night, scoring was on their mind, but not within their means.
A dynamic drive to the edge of the endzone was stopped by a questionable call. Pierce Pyle, known for his dirty antics, held ‘The Revolution’ up at the one yard line and came away with the interception. A heated discussion began on the field between the Jumper’s coach Sprovo and the officials. It almost came to blows as Grindelweight came off the sidelines, holding the bench he’d been sitting on.
Cooler heads prevailed and the game continued. With less than 5 minutes the Jumpers get the ball back within sniffing distance of the goal. Starting at the 25 they march toward the first score of the game. After considerable gains from passes to both Waredigoe and Stone, it was Stone who hosted the bell in the endzone after two pounding short yardage runs.
At the end of the first quarter, the Jumpers held their heads high and reveled in the cheers of their adoring fans. 7-0 was 1 quarter closer to a win.
However, the Maniacs would open the second quarter with a very telling play. Tommy ‘I want my mommy’ Andretti lofted a pass to Wide Receiver Major ‘You wish’ Johnson that netted the Maniacs 16 yards. The Jumpers’ Left End, Ooh That’s Gotta Hurt, or O.T.G.H., said after that play, “I heards him throw that ball and I knows I heard sometin’ pop in his elbow or something.”
The next possession for the Jumpers took them into a third and 4 situation at the Manitoba 29. When Japheth Meadows hauled in the short striking pass from 3 Poch in open territory, the entire stadium erupted in a flash of photography. Meadows, temporarily blinded by the flashes, lost a lace-up and prostrated himself just inches from the first down marker. Another field goal attempt for Gostowski, this one from 41 yards out, leaves the field going wide right of the uprights.
Manitoba could not capitalize on their next possession, but neither could the Jumpers on their next try. With the half drawing to a close, Manitoba took advantage of a daring and suicidal blitz package put on by the Boarder Jumpers. Cro Marty, a flashy CB ran what he says is the “Dine and Dash”. He jammed WR Dawson Ernst at the line and bolted for the backfield. Ernst, gained his composure, gained the ball on a pass and gained 59 yards on a strut to the endzone.
When Manitoba lined up for the kickoff, it looked like halftime would end in a tie. But Jumper’s Cory Waredigoe had different plans. He returned the kick 33 yards to mid-field and gave the Jumpers the opportunity to regain the lead before half with just 1:26 left on the clock. Consuming almost 45 yards in less than one minte put the Jumpers on the 7 yard line with 0:24 and no timeouts. In a controversial decision Stone takes the rock to the left for a 3 yard gain and the gun sounds for the half while Stone pulls turf from his facemask.
The first half closes at a standstill at 7 – 7. Manny Montalbo, a concession vendor at the stadium said during halftime, “Dang, I think we’re going to need some more port-a-potties. I had to send my cousin ChooChoo out for more beers. I’m glad we’re selling them for $4.50, that helps pay for the gas.”
The second half opened with another studly runback by Waredigoe, covering up 25 yards and moving the line of scrimmage to the 38 yard line for the Jumpers. But the Jumpers were held to their first three and out of the game and were forced to punt.
The two teams began a battle over the middle of the field. An honest to goodness fight for field position ended in a punt by the Maniacs. A coffin corner kick was fare caught by Dewey Cox and the Boarder Jumpers were faced with a 95 yard gap between them and the goal line. A task that would prove too daunting and lead to a punt by the Jumpers’ Claus Kofoed. Kofoed, buried in the unmowed grass of the endzone shanked the punt and the Maniacs controlled the ball on the Jumpers’ 16 yard line.
The momentum was too great and some say Harley ‘pimpleback’ Stroker was on something as he rumbled around the left side of the defense for a touchdown.
The Boarder Jumpers received the kickoff and again, special teams hero Waredigoe returned the ball to midfield with less than 2 minutes left in the quarter. The 3rd quarter closed with the Jumpers facing another attempt at a field goal by Gostowski.
Gostowski disappeared into the locker room between the quarters and emerged at the beginning of the fourth wearing, not his kicking slicks, but Chuck Taylor Converse All Stars. He lined up for a 33 yard kick. The snap was high, but handled and Gostowski drilled the ball through for 3 solid, canvass-powered points.
High fives and high spirits spurned the Jumpers’ defensive stars on the next Manitoba possession. McWhiskerbiscuit knocked down a pass intended for Moses ‘couldn’t part that fro’ Hightower on first down. Ryan ‘coach’s son’ Sproviero lept into the backfield and Maniac passer Tommy ‘get away from me’ Andretti threw the ball at him in a blaze of fear and sock. Third down was brought to an abrupt end when Mike Singletary plowed Griffin ‘the walking mudpile’ Wagner for a short gain. Forcing a punt on fourth, the Jumpers were riding on a momentum fueled by a dynamic half-time speech from Stone Steel when he promised a turnover and free Gatorade from the local Woman’s auxiliary.
Despite respectful gains from Stone on the next series, the Jumpers were forced to punt and the Maniacs took over on their own 18.
The Maniacs went into full fledged panic mode. They knew they had to keep the ball out of the Jumpers’ hands. They drove into Jumpers territory to a first and ten at the 22. Griffin ‘paint huffer’ Wagner took the handoff on first down and met Stone Steel. Steel made good his halftime prophecy when he punched the ball loose. However, Drew ‘shoegazer’ Chambers landed on the ball with his considerable girth and the Maniacs would maintain control.
Without any further progress the Maniacs were forced into a filed goal situation at the 2 minute warning. Jon ‘European’ Chambers aired out a 29 yard attempt that bounced under the crossbar and the USA Boarder Jumpers took the ball on their own 12 yard line with 1:54 left in the game. Down by 4 points, the Jumpers needed to conquer 88 yards and find the endzone for the win.
The sky over the Jumpers’ field took on the image of the skies over Bagdad as 3 Poch unleashed an artillery attack on the Maniac secondary. Gambling on a 4th and 4, 3 Poch drilled a shot to the right sideline. Manitobian Pierce ‘dirty filthy nasty’ Pyle got his hands on the ball but ‘The Revolution’ Prince was not going to be beat again and wrestled the ball free for the dynamic first down at the Jumpers’ 31 yard line.
Pushing into midfield the Jumpers were again faced with a 4th down. 3 Poch was unimpressed with the posture of Maniac Big ‘and also hairy’ Sexy and made him pay when he completed another 1st down pass this time to the quiet Gyula Halmos.
When Jeffery Kowalczyk hauled in a daring pass over the middle of the field to the Maniac’s 18 yard line for a first down the Jumpers burned their last timeout. When the ball would snap again, there would only be 8 seconds left for the Boarder Jumpers to reach the endzone..
The first down pass to Randy Edwards sailed high. With just 5 ticks left on the scoreboard 3 Poch dropped back into a deep pocet. The O-line held and held, but the secondary put on a man-coverage seminar giving Esteban ‘crazy legs’ Holmes a chance to get into the backfield. 3 Poch lofted the pass down the right side for Dillon James, but again the questionable play of Pierce ‘touchy and grabby and holding and all’ Pyle interrupted the play. Without a flag the game ended 10-14 and the Manitoba Maniacs ran straight to their bus and departed before the fans could get a hold of them.
