Warrior General Games

Fresh off a thrilling comeback win over the high-powered Stewart Ballers, Tricity Cardinals spokesman Scooter MacGilligutty made this promise to long suffering TriCity fans: "Maybe it's the Vicodin talking, but I promise you that this four game win streak to start the season is no fluke. This team is the real deal."

Ever since winning the Cardinals by finishing third on the reality show "I Love New York 6," Dirk "Dusk" Dingleman has focused on attracting up and coming players. Although criticized for losing out on the bidding war for highly-touted quarterback sensation Homer J Spiderpig, Dusk recovered by signing Spiderpig's younger brother, Eli. Eli, despite frequent, profanity-laced outbursts caused by Tourette's, has been able to call plays for the Red Birds. Rookie running back sensation Big Red Stomper has also provided a much-needed boost to the offense. Stomper credits his jock strap being three sizes too small for his ability to run over defenders. "The way I get squeezed, I just gotta hurt someone" Big Red is quoted as saying.

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The defensive coordinator Lou Dawg singled out the secondary for special recognition. "With six picks against a very good quarterback, I looked for my corners and safeties after the game to give them game balls. I couldn't find them. So I called our star strong safety and defensive captain Adub. He answered the cell, but the music in the background was so loud all I could make out was "Pac Man", "making it rain", and "call.....lawyer" Then there were some gunshots and the phone went dead. He must have been going through a tunnel or something.