"OK so i've finally managed to escape that hellhole in Dresden- i mean can those guys ever win anything- to come here and do some group commentary. Maybe i'll find some halfway decent team here- probably not though cause if these guys were good they'd be in AAA or so by now. Ok so let's this thing started, they don;t pay me by the word... or do they. Eddie, go get my contract!
game 1- Big Money Dynasty (8-0) vs. Fresno Anarchs (1-7). Oh yeah this will be a good one. what's next BMD push some baby chicks off a ledge? You guys been milking it here for years now i bet waiting for the chance to beat on the Sisters of the Blind and Children of the Weak and trying to look tough doing it? I mean look at these last three games- 164-0, 202-7 (what someone intentionally fumbled and kicked the loose ball into your own endzone then threw a guy from the other team on top of it?) and 206-0? Fresno should just call this one in, at least that way they'd have a competitive 2-0 forfeit out of this.
BMD 225-0
game 2- Oregon Orangutans (8-0) vs. Baton Rouge Buccaneers (6-2). Well Bucs found the grog supply after the third quarter of their last game and got blown out of the water (get it? pirates? blown out of the water- nevermind if i have to explain it i'm wasting my time) in the 4th proving again that they choke against the alleged good teams. why change things here? Oregon is like BMD 2.0 except they take pity on their punching bags and stop running up the scores. Bah! this is football, there's no pity in football!!! run the damn scores up!! Wimps.
Oregon 74-13
game 3- Phoenix Scorpions (8-0) vs. Lubbock Red Raiders (4-4). Oh look another team with delusions of powerhouse-dom. Phoenix let a sad sack Bucs team hang around for three quarters until the showed them that map to the grog supply before the 4th. you know pirates can;t resist maps...or grog.desperate times and all that. Raiders got pummeled by a losing record Regulator team- at least those guys know their place- but talked about a bungled operation... anyway, what possible chance do the Raiders have here? None or less.
Phoenix 98-6
game 4- Wellsboro Crawling Chaos (6-2) vs. Bunghole Liquors (5-3). Let's see a bunch of guys who can;t spell their hometown of Wellsborough right (like those damn Steelers from Pittsburg) against what looks like the Bucs' academy team. and these are probable playoff teams? Damn this is starting to make the Doomsday look mediocre. Taking these ever useless stats sheets it says that this should be a close game. I suppose i'll go with the drunks since a staggering drunk can still outrun someone crawling late in the game when they're tired or plastered.
Bunghole 37-27
game 5- Gardner Paraplegics (5-3) vs. Oregon Lumberjacks (4-4). hold on here, you're trying to tell me a bunch of paraplegics not only have a winning record but are a playoff team right now? what the hell kind of teams are in this league? is this a bizarro league or something? drunks, crawlers, paraplegics all outplaying a team of manly lumberjacks? This is not OK. do you all run around after the game wearing high heels and bras to continue the family tradition or what? the worst part is i think the cripples are going to win again here.
Gardner 31-16
game 6- Santa Fe Regulators (3-5) vs. LA Looters (1-7). Finally a team i can respect. The Regulators at least know they're going to be regulated their entire football careers and aren;t afraid to admit it, unlike those glory hounds who, now that nothing but scraps are left over to fight about they think they're great because they found a bigger crumb than someone else. As for the looters... why pick LA of all places? everyone knows the whole city is going to sink in about 5 years or so. they should move to New York. as it is they're too busy trying to find something worth looting in LA that half the team never shows up for practices and it shows.
Regulators- 88-10
game 7 Pittstown Pirate Hookers (3-5) vs. Seattle Grand Cru (2-6). great another team that can;t spell Pittsburg right against a bunch of robot players- like that's fair. you try tackling something with five inch thick steel plates for skin and see how you like it. only good thing is that those bots are so slow that they can't catch anyone to tackle or hold onto the ball long enough to hurt someone. nerds couldn;t get the programming to work right. that's why nerds don;t play football. the Bucs' wenches' team takes it. seriously how many damn teams do these guys have- Bucs, Liquors, Hookers- you'd think someone would be smart enough to take all the good players from each team and make one "good" team out of it by now...
Hookers- 20-13
game 8- Wolverhampton Wolverines (2-6) vs. Nashville Isotopes (1-7). Game of the weak material here that's for sure. really is anyone even going to watch this game? would anyone notice if i didn;t bother making a pick here? what do you mean its in my contract? where are my lawyers dammit? let's see a team that hasn;t scored in four games now, wait what do you mean those are the ones with the better record? At least Nashville has scored in every game. pity scores more than likely since they got blown out in every single one of their losses. hmm do ties count? No? ok fine here goes.
Nashville 17-3.
finally, this bit of torture is over. hopefully someday i'll be able to cover teams with real players in a real league. these micky mouse teams are driving me to drink. well at least this is the right conference for that sort of thing. maybe i'll go visit Bunghole or the Hookers for some...um scouting. That's it for now. Sportzjerk out!"
game 1- Big Money Dynasty (8-0) vs. Fresno Anarchs (1-7). Oh yeah this will be a good one. what's next BMD push some baby chicks off a ledge? You guys been milking it here for years now i bet waiting for the chance to beat on the Sisters of the Blind and Children of the Weak and trying to look tough doing it? I mean look at these last three games- 164-0, 202-7 (what someone intentionally fumbled and kicked the loose ball into your own endzone then threw a guy from the other team on top of it?) and 206-0? Fresno should just call this one in, at least that way they'd have a competitive 2-0 forfeit out of this.
BMD 225-0
game 2- Oregon Orangutans (8-0) vs. Baton Rouge Buccaneers (6-2). Well Bucs found the grog supply after the third quarter of their last game and got blown out of the water (get it? pirates? blown out of the water- nevermind if i have to explain it i'm wasting my time) in the 4th proving again that they choke against the alleged good teams. why change things here? Oregon is like BMD 2.0 except they take pity on their punching bags and stop running up the scores. Bah! this is football, there's no pity in football!!! run the damn scores up!! Wimps.
Oregon 74-13
game 3- Phoenix Scorpions (8-0) vs. Lubbock Red Raiders (4-4). Oh look another team with delusions of powerhouse-dom. Phoenix let a sad sack Bucs team hang around for three quarters until the showed them that map to the grog supply before the 4th. you know pirates can;t resist maps...or grog.desperate times and all that. Raiders got pummeled by a losing record Regulator team- at least those guys know their place- but talked about a bungled operation... anyway, what possible chance do the Raiders have here? None or less.
Phoenix 98-6
game 4- Wellsboro Crawling Chaos (6-2) vs. Bunghole Liquors (5-3). Let's see a bunch of guys who can;t spell their hometown of Wellsborough right (like those damn Steelers from Pittsburg) against what looks like the Bucs' academy team. and these are probable playoff teams? Damn this is starting to make the Doomsday look mediocre. Taking these ever useless stats sheets it says that this should be a close game. I suppose i'll go with the drunks since a staggering drunk can still outrun someone crawling late in the game when they're tired or plastered.
Bunghole 37-27
game 5- Gardner Paraplegics (5-3) vs. Oregon Lumberjacks (4-4). hold on here, you're trying to tell me a bunch of paraplegics not only have a winning record but are a playoff team right now? what the hell kind of teams are in this league? is this a bizarro league or something? drunks, crawlers, paraplegics all outplaying a team of manly lumberjacks? This is not OK. do you all run around after the game wearing high heels and bras to continue the family tradition or what? the worst part is i think the cripples are going to win again here.
Gardner 31-16
game 6- Santa Fe Regulators (3-5) vs. LA Looters (1-7). Finally a team i can respect. The Regulators at least know they're going to be regulated their entire football careers and aren;t afraid to admit it, unlike those glory hounds who, now that nothing but scraps are left over to fight about they think they're great because they found a bigger crumb than someone else. As for the looters... why pick LA of all places? everyone knows the whole city is going to sink in about 5 years or so. they should move to New York. as it is they're too busy trying to find something worth looting in LA that half the team never shows up for practices and it shows.
Regulators- 88-10
game 7 Pittstown Pirate Hookers (3-5) vs. Seattle Grand Cru (2-6). great another team that can;t spell Pittsburg right against a bunch of robot players- like that's fair. you try tackling something with five inch thick steel plates for skin and see how you like it. only good thing is that those bots are so slow that they can't catch anyone to tackle or hold onto the ball long enough to hurt someone. nerds couldn;t get the programming to work right. that's why nerds don;t play football. the Bucs' wenches' team takes it. seriously how many damn teams do these guys have- Bucs, Liquors, Hookers- you'd think someone would be smart enough to take all the good players from each team and make one "good" team out of it by now...
Hookers- 20-13
game 8- Wolverhampton Wolverines (2-6) vs. Nashville Isotopes (1-7). Game of the weak material here that's for sure. really is anyone even going to watch this game? would anyone notice if i didn;t bother making a pick here? what do you mean its in my contract? where are my lawyers dammit? let's see a team that hasn;t scored in four games now, wait what do you mean those are the ones with the better record? At least Nashville has scored in every game. pity scores more than likely since they got blown out in every single one of their losses. hmm do ties count? No? ok fine here goes.
Nashville 17-3.
finally, this bit of torture is over. hopefully someday i'll be able to cover teams with real players in a real league. these micky mouse teams are driving me to drink. well at least this is the right conference for that sort of thing. maybe i'll go visit Bunghole or the Hookers for some...um scouting. That's it for now. Sportzjerk out!"
Jack K)
