I must thank the Onion for verbalizing my feelings so eloquently:
You Will Suffer Humiliation When The Louisville Baby Kittens Defeat the Atlanta Purple Penguins.
As you can see from the schedule, our matchup is only a few hours off. I'm sure you are as excited for it as I am, as Louisville and Atlanta are natural rivals and have been for quite some time. Your confidence in your team is high, but rest assured, you will suffer humiliation when the Louisville Baby Kittens defeat the Atlanta Purple Penguins.
On numerous occasions, your fans have expressed the conviction that the Purple Penguins will be victorious. I must admit that every time I hear them make this proclamation, I react with both laughter and disbelief. "Ha!" I say to myself with laughter. "What?!" I say to myself in disbelief. How could you believe that the Purple Penguins could beat my Baby Kittens? It is clear that the Purple Penguins are inferior in every way.
When the game finally begins, the players on your team will be treated as though they are inconsequential. It will be remarkably easy for my Baby Kittens to accumulate more points than your Purple Penguins. There are many reasons for this, starting with the inferior physical attributes of the players representing Atlanta. Strength, speed, and agility are just three of the qualities that the players on the Purple Penguins lack. The players representing Louisville, on the other hand, have these traits in abundance.
I would not be a bit surprised if the individuals on the Purple Penguins were sexually attracted to members of their own gender. That is how ineffective they are on the field of battle.
Underscoring the Purple Penguin's inferiority is its choice of colors. It is ludicrous to believe that your team's colors inspire either respect or fear. Instead, they appear to have been chosen by someone who is colorblind or, perhaps, bereft of sight altogether. Someone with an unnatural affiliation for Grapes. The colors for the Baby Kittens, on the other hand, are aesthetically pleasing when placed in proximity to one another. They are a superior color combination in every way.
While we are on the subject of aesthetics, let us compare the respective facilities in which our teams play. While my team's edifice is blessed with architectural splendor and the most modern of amenities, yours is a thoroughly unpleasant place in which to watch a sporting contest. I know of what I speak, for I have played at your stadium. Let's just say the experience of playing in such a dismal place left me wishing that our team plane was inoperable that day due to mechanical problems, rendering it impossible for me to get to Atlanta.
If you need another reason why the sporting franchise representing my area is superior, look no further than the supporters for the two sides. Not only are Baby Kittens fans more spirited, but they are also more intelligent and of finer breeding than you and the rest of your ilk. In addition, the female supporters of the Louisville Baby Kittens possess more attractive countenances and figures than yours. Some of the women from Kentucky that I have observed could make a living by posing for pictures for major men's magazines. The women who cheer for your team, I'm afraid, are far too unattractive to do so.
One of the more pathetic aspects of the team from your area is the fact that only people in Atlanta possess an affinity for it. By means of contrast, the Baby Kittens inspire loyalty and affection in individuals who live in many other geographic locations.
To illustrate this point, let me tell a brief story: Recently, I was on vacation in an area of the country far away from my own, and I saw many individuals wearing items of clothing that bore the insignia of my team. I approached one such individual and asked him if he originated from Louisville. He said no, explaining that he simply liked the Baby Kittens and had for many years. Interestingly enough, during this trip, I saw no clothing or other paraphernalia bearing the insignia of the Purple Penguins.
Do you still doubt that the Purple Penguins are inferior to the Baby Kittens? Just look at our teams' respective histories. In the past, we have defeated you on any number of occasions. Granted, there were times when your team beat my team, but those were lucky flukes.
The game will soon be at hand. And no matter how hard you pray to a higher power or how many foam accoutrements you wear in support of the Purple Penguins, they will be defeated. We will win and you will lose. This is your fate.
Prepare for humiliation. It shall be upon you at the designated hour.
You Will Suffer Humiliation When The Louisville Baby Kittens Defeat the Atlanta Purple Penguins.
As you can see from the schedule, our matchup is only a few hours off. I'm sure you are as excited for it as I am, as Louisville and Atlanta are natural rivals and have been for quite some time. Your confidence in your team is high, but rest assured, you will suffer humiliation when the Louisville Baby Kittens defeat the Atlanta Purple Penguins.
On numerous occasions, your fans have expressed the conviction that the Purple Penguins will be victorious. I must admit that every time I hear them make this proclamation, I react with both laughter and disbelief. "Ha!" I say to myself with laughter. "What?!" I say to myself in disbelief. How could you believe that the Purple Penguins could beat my Baby Kittens? It is clear that the Purple Penguins are inferior in every way.
When the game finally begins, the players on your team will be treated as though they are inconsequential. It will be remarkably easy for my Baby Kittens to accumulate more points than your Purple Penguins. There are many reasons for this, starting with the inferior physical attributes of the players representing Atlanta. Strength, speed, and agility are just three of the qualities that the players on the Purple Penguins lack. The players representing Louisville, on the other hand, have these traits in abundance.
I would not be a bit surprised if the individuals on the Purple Penguins were sexually attracted to members of their own gender. That is how ineffective they are on the field of battle.
Underscoring the Purple Penguin's inferiority is its choice of colors. It is ludicrous to believe that your team's colors inspire either respect or fear. Instead, they appear to have been chosen by someone who is colorblind or, perhaps, bereft of sight altogether. Someone with an unnatural affiliation for Grapes. The colors for the Baby Kittens, on the other hand, are aesthetically pleasing when placed in proximity to one another. They are a superior color combination in every way.
While we are on the subject of aesthetics, let us compare the respective facilities in which our teams play. While my team's edifice is blessed with architectural splendor and the most modern of amenities, yours is a thoroughly unpleasant place in which to watch a sporting contest. I know of what I speak, for I have played at your stadium. Let's just say the experience of playing in such a dismal place left me wishing that our team plane was inoperable that day due to mechanical problems, rendering it impossible for me to get to Atlanta.
If you need another reason why the sporting franchise representing my area is superior, look no further than the supporters for the two sides. Not only are Baby Kittens fans more spirited, but they are also more intelligent and of finer breeding than you and the rest of your ilk. In addition, the female supporters of the Louisville Baby Kittens possess more attractive countenances and figures than yours. Some of the women from Kentucky that I have observed could make a living by posing for pictures for major men's magazines. The women who cheer for your team, I'm afraid, are far too unattractive to do so.
One of the more pathetic aspects of the team from your area is the fact that only people in Atlanta possess an affinity for it. By means of contrast, the Baby Kittens inspire loyalty and affection in individuals who live in many other geographic locations.
To illustrate this point, let me tell a brief story: Recently, I was on vacation in an area of the country far away from my own, and I saw many individuals wearing items of clothing that bore the insignia of my team. I approached one such individual and asked him if he originated from Louisville. He said no, explaining that he simply liked the Baby Kittens and had for many years. Interestingly enough, during this trip, I saw no clothing or other paraphernalia bearing the insignia of the Purple Penguins.
Do you still doubt that the Purple Penguins are inferior to the Baby Kittens? Just look at our teams' respective histories. In the past, we have defeated you on any number of occasions. Granted, there were times when your team beat my team, but those were lucky flukes.
The game will soon be at hand. And no matter how hard you pray to a higher power or how many foam accoutrements you wear in support of the Purple Penguins, they will be defeated. We will win and you will lose. This is your fate.
Prepare for humiliation. It shall be upon you at the designated hour.
