The Capital Times
Volume 4, Issue 2
The Shit Hits the Fan
As dots across Dotlandia try to make sense of the most recent scandal to rock Goal Line Blitz, investigative reporters from The Capital Times set forth in an attempt to piece together the events leading to what many are describing as the most momentous episode to shake Dotlandia since the great Dotpocalypse of Season 99.
As will be familiar by now to all but the most egregiously illiterate, least-sociable, or otherwise self-absorbed, the highly-coveted blue Lomborti Trophy, recently awarded to the fearsome Mob franchise following a 59-0 thrashing of the C-Town Mother F’ers in Dot Bowl CXVII, was unceremoniously stripped, and all assorted hardware from their previous run of 5-consecutive Dot Bowls has likewise been revoked. Team owner and dot-agent ‘Don’ Koowahn, alongside his ‘made men’ capos, PeeJJK and former bookie-turned-gangster Pwnd, were ridden out-of-town on a rail, banned from Dotlandia forever more. All mention of their Cosa Nostra enterprise having been purged from the annals of World League history, their story nevertheless survives in the continued whispers among dots across the land wondering just what the Hell happened.
To answer this question, Capital Times investigators dug deep into the available sources…
Many will recall the rise of ‘The Mob’ as the organization initially rose up the ladder. From the squad’s earliest days back in Season 108, when many of the dots who would go on to become household names were first hatched, comments began circulating about how good they were.
The Mob’s first season in actual competition was Season 109, when they broke into the rookie leagues alongside other organizations such as the Mars Martians, the Bisbee Bombers, the CLEVELAND HOOLIGANS, and (of course), the perennial rookies, the New Orleans Golden Kangaroos. At the time, ‘Don’ Koowahn was blasé about his team’s chances and effort, saying: “My team is just here to raise dots, if we win, we win.”
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/forum_thread.pl?thread_id=5336231&page=1#50167588
Well, win they did, compiling an impressive 15-and-1 record in their first season, falling only once during the regular season to the Golden ‘Roos out of New Orleans (and who doesn’t lose to the ‘Roos in rookie? It’s like a rite of passage on your way up the ladder).
The Mob would storm their way into the rookie championship that first season before finally being stopped by the Martians in a high-scoring thriller, when the Martians walked away with a 56-34 victory:
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/game.pl?game_id=49667
In their next campaign, Season 110, the Mob would again dominate, finishing their regular season with a 14-and-2 record. Again, they would march their way into the prep league championship where, once again, they would face their old nemesis, the Mars Martians. The Martians had bested the Mob during their one regular season matchup in Week 7 that season, dropping that contest by a convincing 53-0 margin:
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/game.pl?game_id=52468
But in the playoffs, it would prove to be a different story.
When the two squads eventually made their respective ways into the championship game, it would be the Mob who would prevail, besting their rival Martians by a score of 42-38 in what many have called the most thrilling Prep Championship ever played.
Had the Martians elected to go for it in the dying seconds of the game in which they trailed by a score of 35-42, rather than settling for the field goal, things might have ended differently:
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/replay.pl?game_id=54760&pbp_id=955295
Alas, we shall never know.
One thing we do know, however, is that this prep championship victory would set the tone for the Mob for the coming seasons.
The Mob would go on to crush all challengers in Season 111, smashing their way to a perfect 16-and-0 record before beating Brothers in Arms in the university league championship by a score of 24-14:
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/game.pl?game_id=59457
In Season 112, they’d be just as dominant, cruising to another perfect 16-and-0 record before, again, beating the Brothers in Arms, this time by an even more convincing margin, 52-20:
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/game.pl?game_id=64275
The domination would continue into Season 113, when again, they’d go undefeated. This season – their first in the Pros – would be notable for the Mob being awarded the ‘Poor Sport’ trophy after intentionally rigging the championship game versus the Alamo City Spurs to ensure the ridiculous 843-875 final result in the first of their eventual 5 grand championship Bort Bowls:
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/replay.pl?game_id=69429&pbp_id=1005644
The next few seasons would see the Mob continue to dominate. Indeed, they would lose only once during this entire time, in a game already chronicled by The Capital Times which you can read here if you are interested:
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/forum_thread.pl?thread_id=5342440
The whispers, the rumours, the investigation, and the scandal…
‘How can one team so completely dominate for so long?’ became a familiar question raised in many a team-forum. Inevitably, perhaps, the rumours of cheating began to circulate.
Asked to comment, real-estate tycoon King of Bling rattled his jewelry before offering the following take:
“Over 100 straight wins/games, is enough smoke to know there's a fire. We've got essentially near 20 years of GLB history to fall back on, thus we have a reasonable template of time to draw from. We can pretty much eliminate a coincidence, clearly superior builds, etc. RNG would dictate that at the highest levels, reasonably speaking, no one can legitimately dominate to the degree we are seeing in Pro.”
Team owner and legendary coordinator RyanCane26 was also skeptical, and when asked, arched his eyebrow while offering the following observation:
“I agree there's some flaws in the game that they have rightly taken advantage of, but at the same time their QBs seem immune to them, their speed receivers catch a way higher percentage than any others, their speed power backs break more tackles than pure power guys, etc…”
After so many years of crushing all challengers, eventually, an observer/informant who chooses to remain anonymous, and to whom we shall simply refer to as “Deep Throat” approached the game designers in a darkened parking garage, presenting a paper-bag of evidence which prompted an ensuing investigation.
After the appropriate warrants were secured, the GLB secret service immediately went into action. Logs were parsed, and a thorough forensic investigation quickly revealed certain ‘irregularities’. These irregularities, referred to by the Big Man as a ‘brute force’ exploit that ‘was clearly not by accident’, offered an unfair advantage to the Cosa Nostra, allowing them to dominate for as long as they did.
My fellow dots, as the saying goes, ‘The sword of justice is swift and sharp’, and quickly did it fall on the Mob and its capos and soldiers alike. Lifetime bans were handed out; teams were rendered feral CPU shells of their former selves; and records of greatness were swiftly expunged. Several other organizations, not directly related to the Mob, also suffered collateral damage, as non-Mob dots built by the offending capos soon were rendered inactive and useless.
In the final analysis, the question remains whether any of it was worth it. Yes, dots will be speaking of the Mob’s impact and reign of terror for many seasons to come. But, perhaps, not in terms the perpetrators would have hoped for. In short, the denizens of Dotlandia are not impressed, and many have expressed their disdain. The Times presents a selection here, of some of the thoughtful and philosophical comments that were made:
PaqMarq11: “cheating on an online game...lowest of the low”
POOPERDOG7: “The mob is gay”
melon27: “The game is shit, shut it off”
Larry Roadgrader: “no u”
PLAYMAKERS: “cry more baby”
But perhaps the most succinct observation of all came from GLB market researcher Tomcic, who offered the following conclusion:
“And so, the saga of The Mob ended—not with the triumph they had dreamed of, but with the bitter taste of a victory that wasn’t theirs to claim.”
And just like that, the dots of Dotlandia rolled their way into Season 118 where, it can convincingly be argued, a fresh spirit of renewed competition now reigns. Long-time offensive coordinator and part-time Jedi master WiSelVlaN overserved…
“Of the 23 non-CPU teams in Pro...one is 3-0, twelve are 2-1, nine are 1-2, oneis 0-3. And the 3-0 team beat the 0-3 team by 7. Looks like some nice parity in this young season, once the shitty cheatfest has been destroyed.”
After more than 5-seasons of total domination, perhaps inevitably, the shit eventually hit the proverbial fan. But with the exploit now staunched, dots across the land can now sleep comfortably at night knowing a new-and-level-playing field awaits them in the morning.
For The Capital Times, this is your faithful correspondent, Ravenwood, signing off.
Volume 4, Issue 2
The Shit Hits the Fan
As dots across Dotlandia try to make sense of the most recent scandal to rock Goal Line Blitz, investigative reporters from The Capital Times set forth in an attempt to piece together the events leading to what many are describing as the most momentous episode to shake Dotlandia since the great Dotpocalypse of Season 99.
As will be familiar by now to all but the most egregiously illiterate, least-sociable, or otherwise self-absorbed, the highly-coveted blue Lomborti Trophy, recently awarded to the fearsome Mob franchise following a 59-0 thrashing of the C-Town Mother F’ers in Dot Bowl CXVII, was unceremoniously stripped, and all assorted hardware from their previous run of 5-consecutive Dot Bowls has likewise been revoked. Team owner and dot-agent ‘Don’ Koowahn, alongside his ‘made men’ capos, PeeJJK and former bookie-turned-gangster Pwnd, were ridden out-of-town on a rail, banned from Dotlandia forever more. All mention of their Cosa Nostra enterprise having been purged from the annals of World League history, their story nevertheless survives in the continued whispers among dots across the land wondering just what the Hell happened.
To answer this question, Capital Times investigators dug deep into the available sources…
Many will recall the rise of ‘The Mob’ as the organization initially rose up the ladder. From the squad’s earliest days back in Season 108, when many of the dots who would go on to become household names were first hatched, comments began circulating about how good they were.
The Mob’s first season in actual competition was Season 109, when they broke into the rookie leagues alongside other organizations such as the Mars Martians, the Bisbee Bombers, the CLEVELAND HOOLIGANS, and (of course), the perennial rookies, the New Orleans Golden Kangaroos. At the time, ‘Don’ Koowahn was blasé about his team’s chances and effort, saying: “My team is just here to raise dots, if we win, we win.”
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/forum_thread.pl?thread_id=5336231&page=1#50167588
Well, win they did, compiling an impressive 15-and-1 record in their first season, falling only once during the regular season to the Golden ‘Roos out of New Orleans (and who doesn’t lose to the ‘Roos in rookie? It’s like a rite of passage on your way up the ladder).
The Mob would storm their way into the rookie championship that first season before finally being stopped by the Martians in a high-scoring thriller, when the Martians walked away with a 56-34 victory:
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/game.pl?game_id=49667
In their next campaign, Season 110, the Mob would again dominate, finishing their regular season with a 14-and-2 record. Again, they would march their way into the prep league championship where, once again, they would face their old nemesis, the Mars Martians. The Martians had bested the Mob during their one regular season matchup in Week 7 that season, dropping that contest by a convincing 53-0 margin:
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/game.pl?game_id=52468
But in the playoffs, it would prove to be a different story.
When the two squads eventually made their respective ways into the championship game, it would be the Mob who would prevail, besting their rival Martians by a score of 42-38 in what many have called the most thrilling Prep Championship ever played.
Had the Martians elected to go for it in the dying seconds of the game in which they trailed by a score of 35-42, rather than settling for the field goal, things might have ended differently:
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/replay.pl?game_id=54760&pbp_id=955295
Alas, we shall never know.
One thing we do know, however, is that this prep championship victory would set the tone for the Mob for the coming seasons.
The Mob would go on to crush all challengers in Season 111, smashing their way to a perfect 16-and-0 record before beating Brothers in Arms in the university league championship by a score of 24-14:
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/game.pl?game_id=59457
In Season 112, they’d be just as dominant, cruising to another perfect 16-and-0 record before, again, beating the Brothers in Arms, this time by an even more convincing margin, 52-20:
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/game.pl?game_id=64275
The domination would continue into Season 113, when again, they’d go undefeated. This season – their first in the Pros – would be notable for the Mob being awarded the ‘Poor Sport’ trophy after intentionally rigging the championship game versus the Alamo City Spurs to ensure the ridiculous 843-875 final result in the first of their eventual 5 grand championship Bort Bowls:
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/replay.pl?game_id=69429&pbp_id=1005644
The next few seasons would see the Mob continue to dominate. Indeed, they would lose only once during this entire time, in a game already chronicled by The Capital Times which you can read here if you are interested:
https://glb.warriorgeneral.com/game/forum_thread.pl?thread_id=5342440
The whispers, the rumours, the investigation, and the scandal…
‘How can one team so completely dominate for so long?’ became a familiar question raised in many a team-forum. Inevitably, perhaps, the rumours of cheating began to circulate.
Asked to comment, real-estate tycoon King of Bling rattled his jewelry before offering the following take:
“Over 100 straight wins/games, is enough smoke to know there's a fire. We've got essentially near 20 years of GLB history to fall back on, thus we have a reasonable template of time to draw from. We can pretty much eliminate a coincidence, clearly superior builds, etc. RNG would dictate that at the highest levels, reasonably speaking, no one can legitimately dominate to the degree we are seeing in Pro.”
Team owner and legendary coordinator RyanCane26 was also skeptical, and when asked, arched his eyebrow while offering the following observation:
“I agree there's some flaws in the game that they have rightly taken advantage of, but at the same time their QBs seem immune to them, their speed receivers catch a way higher percentage than any others, their speed power backs break more tackles than pure power guys, etc…”
After so many years of crushing all challengers, eventually, an observer/informant who chooses to remain anonymous, and to whom we shall simply refer to as “Deep Throat” approached the game designers in a darkened parking garage, presenting a paper-bag of evidence which prompted an ensuing investigation.
After the appropriate warrants were secured, the GLB secret service immediately went into action. Logs were parsed, and a thorough forensic investigation quickly revealed certain ‘irregularities’. These irregularities, referred to by the Big Man as a ‘brute force’ exploit that ‘was clearly not by accident’, offered an unfair advantage to the Cosa Nostra, allowing them to dominate for as long as they did.
My fellow dots, as the saying goes, ‘The sword of justice is swift and sharp’, and quickly did it fall on the Mob and its capos and soldiers alike. Lifetime bans were handed out; teams were rendered feral CPU shells of their former selves; and records of greatness were swiftly expunged. Several other organizations, not directly related to the Mob, also suffered collateral damage, as non-Mob dots built by the offending capos soon were rendered inactive and useless.
In the final analysis, the question remains whether any of it was worth it. Yes, dots will be speaking of the Mob’s impact and reign of terror for many seasons to come. But, perhaps, not in terms the perpetrators would have hoped for. In short, the denizens of Dotlandia are not impressed, and many have expressed their disdain. The Times presents a selection here, of some of the thoughtful and philosophical comments that were made:
PaqMarq11: “cheating on an online game...lowest of the low”
POOPERDOG7: “The mob is gay”
melon27: “The game is shit, shut it off”
Larry Roadgrader: “no u”
PLAYMAKERS: “cry more baby”
But perhaps the most succinct observation of all came from GLB market researcher Tomcic, who offered the following conclusion:
“And so, the saga of The Mob ended—not with the triumph they had dreamed of, but with the bitter taste of a victory that wasn’t theirs to claim.”
And just like that, the dots of Dotlandia rolled their way into Season 118 where, it can convincingly be argued, a fresh spirit of renewed competition now reigns. Long-time offensive coordinator and part-time Jedi master WiSelVlaN overserved…
“Of the 23 non-CPU teams in Pro...one is 3-0, twelve are 2-1, nine are 1-2, oneis 0-3. And the 3-0 team beat the 0-3 team by 7. Looks like some nice parity in this young season, once the shitty cheatfest has been destroyed.”
After more than 5-seasons of total domination, perhaps inevitably, the shit eventually hit the proverbial fan. But with the exploit now staunched, dots across the land can now sleep comfortably at night knowing a new-and-level-playing field awaits them in the morning.
For The Capital Times, this is your faithful correspondent, Ravenwood, signing off.
