*Warning: The more serious you take these…the more likely I am to publish naked pictures of your wife/girlfriend/daughter*
Hola….I just got done icing my date from last night’s vagina, and I’m ready to do this!
Naga Conference:
The Playoff Teams:
1. Semarang Red Bulls
For those that aren’t familiar with these, I am The Committee (of one). These rankings usually consist of prediction awesomeness, and random bullshit wrapped into a 1 through 16 format, with three subcategories, for each conference.
For my first act, I will predict that Semarang wins this conference. But, clearly, you can already see that. Unless you’re blind. Unfortunately, The Committee isn’t broadcast in brail. Yet. I don't discriminate, people.
2. Apatity Awesome
Calling your team ‘Awesome’ is about as ‘awesome’ as calling your prediction skills ‘awesome’ or some shit. Who the fuck would do that? When I think of Awesome, I like more like a night involving alcoholic drinks on the popsicle (popsicles used as a substitute for ice – also can be interpreted as girls taking shots off wieners), finally getting use out of the Life Alert think I bought four years ago when I kept waking up in random forms of shrubbery (interestingly enough, always with a bag of cheetos) during freshman year of college, and knitting. If you don’t get that last one, you’re clearly going to have to raise your game if you want to keep reading these.
3. Palembang Drunken Monks
Quick question:
How do you write a ranking for a team called the Drunken Monks, when you are, in fact, also drunk?
Quick answer:
Put on a sombrero, turn up ‘Wasted’ by Gucci Mane and write exactly what your think about them………….next week….your drunk, after all....go party.
4. Hong Kong Hustlers
Asians aren’t hustlers. They are the people who get hustled. Hasn’t anyone seen Hustle and Flow?? There are Asians in that, right?
OH – The team, uh, I don’t know anything about them. Honestly, I don’t know anything about any of these teams yet. You guys know my saying in these first editions – it’s preseason for the rankings too.
5. Cambodia Renegade Viper Assassins Blame Stu!!
Things that I blame Stu for:
1. Taking my virginity.
2. That time someone threw a sword through my windshield
3. LeBron leaving Cleveland
4. Trading my pet hedgehog for weed
5. …and, those times I woke up naked in the shrubs with a bag of cheetos (I know you planted them fucker)
6. Pa Dong Dragons
The real definition of a dragon is a girl who you’ll sleep with, but never have a relationship with. That’s kind of how I feel about this team. They’re certainly good enough to make the playoffs, but they’re not going to be winning the league.
HOLY SHIT – A real thought on a team. I need to retire.
7. Portland Dirty Penguins
http://goallineblitz.com/game/player.pl?player_id=1166952
You spelled Shane wrong.
I think I’m done here.
8. The Cult of Personalities
Let me tell you guys about the time I got arrested. I was at school and apparently took my beanbag chair and put it on the roof of the dorm. Then I hooked my fishing pole up with a five dollar bill (highlighting in pink to attract girls to it) and tried to catch myself a new…uh…friend for the night. Eventually two campus policemen came and escorted me off the roof and toward their car. Then, like everyone does when there are three people walking toward a car, I called shotgun.
Well, one of officers got upset at me for trying to sit in his seat and started running his mouth, and then I started running my mouth telling him it was a universal rule, and then a girl finally hit on my line so I tried to run back to the roof and reel that bitch in…but the officer wouldn’t let me. I challenged him to a fight and called him a cock block, and he told me I was full of myself and that he was in ‘excellent’ shape and would embarrass me in front of all my friends or something. I responded something along the lines of, “You’re in shape? Round isn’t in shape, it’s A SHAPE.” Then I proceeded to get jumped by the officers and thrown into the car.
Of course, the school judged that the officers used excessive force, and I didn’t get in any trouble. Plus, I was still able to hook up with that girl and didn’t even have to waste a five dollar bill on her.
COP > You.....I hope
9. Bacolod Skullcrushers
The Committee has actually been to Bacolod. Apparently, it’s the best place to live in the Philippines. Which brings me to an important point; why in the hell do people actually live in the Philippines? The place was dirty as shit. I’m just poor boy walking down the street and I felt like I just finished having sex with the two bitches from the 2 Girls 1 Cup video.
Blah.
10. Pudong Skyfire
Everyone stop!
We’re flipping a coin to see who gets ranked 10th between Pudong and Sainte Foy.
Wait, no, fuck it. We’re just going to do alphabetical order. Pudong wins. I was too busy flipping a cup to flip a coin (and yes – I can play drinking games and write rankings at the same time. You don’t just become The Committee without any sort of real tangible skills).
11. Sainte Foy Cyclones
I think this team’s owner needs to clarify what Sainte Foy his team’s name refers to. Is it the city in Canada (apparently called Quebec City now), or the expression that means ‘holy faith.’ I can’t properly make fun of you people without more information.
Seriously, my list of things I love about Christianity isn’t something you’ll want to miss out on.
12. Wu Dang Kung Fu Academy
This ranking is probably too generous, but The Committee has watched this team closely over the last few seasons and they’re capable of pulling off wins against the teams ranked below them. Whether they do or not……….
Petitioning hisBortness for a AAAA league
13. Victoria Teabaggers
The number one definition of Victoria on Urban Dictionary is ‘In Ireland, this is a name givin to someone that makes you laugh alot.’ Therefore, the Irish translation for this team’s name is someone who makes you laugh a lot and puts their ball sack in other people’s face.
I vote the owner change their name to that immediately. All in favor.....
14. Oceanside United Sharks
Unfortunately for Oceanside, they were the third best team to promote from their own CONFERENCE last season. This is going to be a long season for these guys.
15. Roanoke Red Foxes
The red…fuckin’....foxes. This name would be approximately 1,234,036 down on my list of team names. Then again, I’ve always wanted to rename my team ‘The Stripper’s Vagina tasted like your Mom’s,’ so it’s possible this is just my problem.
16. Taipei Giant Pandas
Instead of talking about these guys, I’ll use just one word to sum up what I’m going to go do instead:
threesomeconperuviansisters
-----
Garuda Conference:
Just finished making a malt liquor milkshake, and ready for more prediction magic.
The Playoff Teams:
1. East St. Louis Tire Fires
8-8 in WL last season?
What are you doing down here? I had Dennis Green coming into town and we were going to crown Cambodian the champs, and now look what you’ve done?
Someone needs to take responsibility.
2. Cambodian River Rats
Who the fuck do you guys think you are beating COP by some ungodly amount?
Consider this a warning. We have a reputation to uphold over here. More disobedience leads to a lesser ranking. Although, I do have more fun writing these when I have to act like I'm E-Upset at someone.
3. Lucid D.R.E.A.M.
Anyone remember those magic eight balls they made back in the day? Yea, I just bought one off ebay. It came in the mail today, so I decided to test it out on this team. Figured it was one way to fill space.
I asked the eight ball ‘How will the D.R.E.A.M. fare this season?’
The answer: ‘Reply hazy, please try again’
So I asked again, this time it said ‘Concentrate and ask again’
Fuck that shit. I’m just to stomp this thing into the ground, collect the pieces onto my desk and snort up an eight ball.
4. Buffalo Knights
This is a true sleeper team in this conference. I’m not going to rank them any higher because Cambodia and Lucid beat them last year, and ESL looks like the better team. However, it’s not going to surprise me to see them finish as the two or three seed and score a couple upsets in the playoffs. This shows the overall depth of this conference.
5. Buffalo Rampage
Really don’t know what to write here. After all, I just wrote about one Buffalo team, and they all pretty much blur together.
This is a good time to tell people about a conspiracy I’ve noticed.
Have you ever been watching your TV drunk or high, and noticed that all the commercials seem to be from Taco Bell? My TV knows when I’m drunk, and it tells Taco Bell, which makes me drink and drive…
We should write a letter, because this is bullshit. If they’re going to keep running this charade, they should at least deliver.
6. Da Nang Arsenal
Text I received Sunday morning:
“you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger”
Prove it, bitch. When I play Tiger, I don't suck on hips, I marry a hot ass bitch and then cheat on here with 32 other hot bitches.
7. Bangalore Monsoon
These guys have been in the Pro’s for a long time. They’ve watched teams that they’ve beaten up on pass them by into World League, and this year it doesn’t look like that’s going to change. They struggled last year against the very same teams they’ve going to have to beat to even snare a home playoff game.
8. Knights of the Round
These medieval (had to look up the spelling for that one) weirdoes have this for their owner note:
“Feel the Earth tremble, see the skies turn red, eclipse of shootin' stars, turn your head.
Volcanoes eruptin', rage in the seas, ain't second comin' of Christ, the first comin' of me!”
What….the…fuck? I’m going to go make a drink. Probably two of them to get this seared out of my brain.
Dirty Sluts trying to sleep their way to a Playoff Ranking
9. New York Empire
This probably has to be a little discouraging for the Empire. Just missed out on the playoffs last year, and now all the same teams are in their way again this season. Having Loco Moco as a GM is a minus too. Add these factors together in a bowl, mix, bake, and serve = another spot outside the playoffs.
Tough break, Naga.
10. Beijing Black Dragons
The half Orge half Dragon mythical clusterfuck team is muy familiar to Papa Commits. However, it’s hard to see how they’ll be able to crack a Top 8 full of teams that made it to the playoffs last year in this conference. Right now, however, I have them ranked as the top newcomer coming into this conference (not counting ESL).
11. Black Sea Storm
Is it possible to have too many girls passing through your house?
Here’s a brief list of shows recommended to me by my TIVO:
-America’s Got Talent
-House Hunters
-Cake Boss
-Say Yes to the Dress
I think with the information I’ve just presented, you can figure out this mind burner by yourself.
12. Macau Gamblers
Has anyone else noticed that everything you could ever eat tastes awesome if you eat it with pop rocks? Seriously, everything. When I was younger I survived a lot of way too healthy for a teenager household meals like this. Plus, If you have a girl who has a problem sucking a certain something down, just sprinkle some pop rocks in her mouth and the problem is solved.
You can thank me later.
13. Forbidden City Firestorm
Clearly, the only thing Forbidden in this city is winning dotball games. This is going to be a long season for these guys. Now, let’s pause for sexiness:
http://goallineblitz.com/game/replay.pl?game_id=1341375&pbp_id=1221202
This fall these team will be taking their talents to…….AAA
14.Liberty City Eagles
“Witness ✔”
If this message on your owner note has anything to do with LeBron James, you all can go to hell. The Committee is going to make your season in the rankings a miserable one. Time to go put on your big boy pants (or change your owner note – but that route is less fun).
15. Three Kingdom Warriors
Level 70’s all over the roster. However, your resident predictionologist predicts these guys will be finding themselves in AAA next year. Season 10 was a long time ago, do the decent thing for us all guys….burn this thing to the ground, scoop up the ashes, and replant them into the Cap 4 ground.
16. Hell’s Reapers
I just threw up a little in my mouth. No verdict on whether it’s been the drinking, or looking at this team’s roster.
Hola….I just got done icing my date from last night’s vagina, and I’m ready to do this!
Naga Conference:
The Playoff Teams:
1. Semarang Red Bulls
For those that aren’t familiar with these, I am The Committee (of one). These rankings usually consist of prediction awesomeness, and random bullshit wrapped into a 1 through 16 format, with three subcategories, for each conference.
For my first act, I will predict that Semarang wins this conference. But, clearly, you can already see that. Unless you’re blind. Unfortunately, The Committee isn’t broadcast in brail. Yet. I don't discriminate, people.
2. Apatity Awesome
Calling your team ‘Awesome’ is about as ‘awesome’ as calling your prediction skills ‘awesome’ or some shit. Who the fuck would do that? When I think of Awesome, I like more like a night involving alcoholic drinks on the popsicle (popsicles used as a substitute for ice – also can be interpreted as girls taking shots off wieners), finally getting use out of the Life Alert think I bought four years ago when I kept waking up in random forms of shrubbery (interestingly enough, always with a bag of cheetos) during freshman year of college, and knitting. If you don’t get that last one, you’re clearly going to have to raise your game if you want to keep reading these.
3. Palembang Drunken Monks
Quick question:
How do you write a ranking for a team called the Drunken Monks, when you are, in fact, also drunk?
Quick answer:
Put on a sombrero, turn up ‘Wasted’ by Gucci Mane and write exactly what your think about them………….next week….your drunk, after all....go party.
4. Hong Kong Hustlers
Asians aren’t hustlers. They are the people who get hustled. Hasn’t anyone seen Hustle and Flow?? There are Asians in that, right?
OH – The team, uh, I don’t know anything about them. Honestly, I don’t know anything about any of these teams yet. You guys know my saying in these first editions – it’s preseason for the rankings too.
5. Cambodia Renegade Viper Assassins Blame Stu!!
Things that I blame Stu for:
1. Taking my virginity.
2. That time someone threw a sword through my windshield
3. LeBron leaving Cleveland
4. Trading my pet hedgehog for weed
5. …and, those times I woke up naked in the shrubs with a bag of cheetos (I know you planted them fucker)
6. Pa Dong Dragons
The real definition of a dragon is a girl who you’ll sleep with, but never have a relationship with. That’s kind of how I feel about this team. They’re certainly good enough to make the playoffs, but they’re not going to be winning the league.
HOLY SHIT – A real thought on a team. I need to retire.
7. Portland Dirty Penguins
http://goallineblitz.com/game/player.pl?player_id=1166952
You spelled Shane wrong.
I think I’m done here.
8. The Cult of Personalities
Let me tell you guys about the time I got arrested. I was at school and apparently took my beanbag chair and put it on the roof of the dorm. Then I hooked my fishing pole up with a five dollar bill (highlighting in pink to attract girls to it) and tried to catch myself a new…uh…friend for the night. Eventually two campus policemen came and escorted me off the roof and toward their car. Then, like everyone does when there are three people walking toward a car, I called shotgun.
Well, one of officers got upset at me for trying to sit in his seat and started running his mouth, and then I started running my mouth telling him it was a universal rule, and then a girl finally hit on my line so I tried to run back to the roof and reel that bitch in…but the officer wouldn’t let me. I challenged him to a fight and called him a cock block, and he told me I was full of myself and that he was in ‘excellent’ shape and would embarrass me in front of all my friends or something. I responded something along the lines of, “You’re in shape? Round isn’t in shape, it’s A SHAPE.” Then I proceeded to get jumped by the officers and thrown into the car.
Of course, the school judged that the officers used excessive force, and I didn’t get in any trouble. Plus, I was still able to hook up with that girl and didn’t even have to waste a five dollar bill on her.
COP > You.....I hope
9. Bacolod Skullcrushers
The Committee has actually been to Bacolod. Apparently, it’s the best place to live in the Philippines. Which brings me to an important point; why in the hell do people actually live in the Philippines? The place was dirty as shit. I’m just poor boy walking down the street and I felt like I just finished having sex with the two bitches from the 2 Girls 1 Cup video.
Blah.
10. Pudong Skyfire
Everyone stop!
We’re flipping a coin to see who gets ranked 10th between Pudong and Sainte Foy.
Wait, no, fuck it. We’re just going to do alphabetical order. Pudong wins. I was too busy flipping a cup to flip a coin (and yes – I can play drinking games and write rankings at the same time. You don’t just become The Committee without any sort of real tangible skills).
11. Sainte Foy Cyclones
I think this team’s owner needs to clarify what Sainte Foy his team’s name refers to. Is it the city in Canada (apparently called Quebec City now), or the expression that means ‘holy faith.’ I can’t properly make fun of you people without more information.
Seriously, my list of things I love about Christianity isn’t something you’ll want to miss out on.
12. Wu Dang Kung Fu Academy
This ranking is probably too generous, but The Committee has watched this team closely over the last few seasons and they’re capable of pulling off wins against the teams ranked below them. Whether they do or not……….
Petitioning hisBortness for a AAAA league
13. Victoria Teabaggers
The number one definition of Victoria on Urban Dictionary is ‘In Ireland, this is a name givin to someone that makes you laugh alot.’ Therefore, the Irish translation for this team’s name is someone who makes you laugh a lot and puts their ball sack in other people’s face.
I vote the owner change their name to that immediately. All in favor.....
14. Oceanside United Sharks
Unfortunately for Oceanside, they were the third best team to promote from their own CONFERENCE last season. This is going to be a long season for these guys.
15. Roanoke Red Foxes
The red…fuckin’....foxes. This name would be approximately 1,234,036 down on my list of team names. Then again, I’ve always wanted to rename my team ‘The Stripper’s Vagina tasted like your Mom’s,’ so it’s possible this is just my problem.
16. Taipei Giant Pandas
Instead of talking about these guys, I’ll use just one word to sum up what I’m going to go do instead:
threesomeconperuviansisters
-----
Garuda Conference:
Just finished making a malt liquor milkshake, and ready for more prediction magic.
The Playoff Teams:
1. East St. Louis Tire Fires
8-8 in WL last season?
What are you doing down here? I had Dennis Green coming into town and we were going to crown Cambodian the champs, and now look what you’ve done?
Someone needs to take responsibility.
2. Cambodian River Rats
Who the fuck do you guys think you are beating COP by some ungodly amount?
Consider this a warning. We have a reputation to uphold over here. More disobedience leads to a lesser ranking. Although, I do have more fun writing these when I have to act like I'm E-Upset at someone.
3. Lucid D.R.E.A.M.
Anyone remember those magic eight balls they made back in the day? Yea, I just bought one off ebay. It came in the mail today, so I decided to test it out on this team. Figured it was one way to fill space.
I asked the eight ball ‘How will the D.R.E.A.M. fare this season?’
The answer: ‘Reply hazy, please try again’
So I asked again, this time it said ‘Concentrate and ask again’
Fuck that shit. I’m just to stomp this thing into the ground, collect the pieces onto my desk and snort up an eight ball.
4. Buffalo Knights
This is a true sleeper team in this conference. I’m not going to rank them any higher because Cambodia and Lucid beat them last year, and ESL looks like the better team. However, it’s not going to surprise me to see them finish as the two or three seed and score a couple upsets in the playoffs. This shows the overall depth of this conference.
5. Buffalo Rampage
Really don’t know what to write here. After all, I just wrote about one Buffalo team, and they all pretty much blur together.
This is a good time to tell people about a conspiracy I’ve noticed.
Have you ever been watching your TV drunk or high, and noticed that all the commercials seem to be from Taco Bell? My TV knows when I’m drunk, and it tells Taco Bell, which makes me drink and drive…
We should write a letter, because this is bullshit. If they’re going to keep running this charade, they should at least deliver.
6. Da Nang Arsenal
Text I received Sunday morning:
“you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger”
Prove it, bitch. When I play Tiger, I don't suck on hips, I marry a hot ass bitch and then cheat on here with 32 other hot bitches.
7. Bangalore Monsoon
These guys have been in the Pro’s for a long time. They’ve watched teams that they’ve beaten up on pass them by into World League, and this year it doesn’t look like that’s going to change. They struggled last year against the very same teams they’ve going to have to beat to even snare a home playoff game.
8. Knights of the Round
These medieval (had to look up the spelling for that one) weirdoes have this for their owner note:
“Feel the Earth tremble, see the skies turn red, eclipse of shootin' stars, turn your head.
Volcanoes eruptin', rage in the seas, ain't second comin' of Christ, the first comin' of me!”
What….the…fuck? I’m going to go make a drink. Probably two of them to get this seared out of my brain.
Dirty Sluts trying to sleep their way to a Playoff Ranking
9. New York Empire
This probably has to be a little discouraging for the Empire. Just missed out on the playoffs last year, and now all the same teams are in their way again this season. Having Loco Moco as a GM is a minus too. Add these factors together in a bowl, mix, bake, and serve = another spot outside the playoffs.
Tough break, Naga.
10. Beijing Black Dragons
The half Orge half Dragon mythical clusterfuck team is muy familiar to Papa Commits. However, it’s hard to see how they’ll be able to crack a Top 8 full of teams that made it to the playoffs last year in this conference. Right now, however, I have them ranked as the top newcomer coming into this conference (not counting ESL).
11. Black Sea Storm
Is it possible to have too many girls passing through your house?
Here’s a brief list of shows recommended to me by my TIVO:
-America’s Got Talent
-House Hunters
-Cake Boss
-Say Yes to the Dress
I think with the information I’ve just presented, you can figure out this mind burner by yourself.
12. Macau Gamblers
Has anyone else noticed that everything you could ever eat tastes awesome if you eat it with pop rocks? Seriously, everything. When I was younger I survived a lot of way too healthy for a teenager household meals like this. Plus, If you have a girl who has a problem sucking a certain something down, just sprinkle some pop rocks in her mouth and the problem is solved.
You can thank me later.
13. Forbidden City Firestorm
Clearly, the only thing Forbidden in this city is winning dotball games. This is going to be a long season for these guys. Now, let’s pause for sexiness:
http://goallineblitz.com/game/replay.pl?game_id=1341375&pbp_id=1221202
This fall these team will be taking their talents to…….AAA
14.Liberty City Eagles
“Witness ✔”
If this message on your owner note has anything to do with LeBron James, you all can go to hell. The Committee is going to make your season in the rankings a miserable one. Time to go put on your big boy pants (or change your owner note – but that route is less fun).
15. Three Kingdom Warriors
Level 70’s all over the roster. However, your resident predictionologist predicts these guys will be finding themselves in AAA next year. Season 10 was a long time ago, do the decent thing for us all guys….burn this thing to the ground, scoop up the ashes, and replant them into the Cap 4 ground.
16. Hell’s Reapers
I just threw up a little in my mouth. No verdict on whether it’s been the drinking, or looking at this team’s roster.
