I didn't write this, just found it to be hilarious!
I’d like to preface this diatribe by saying that I can’t imagine ANYONE who holds the city, people, and sports teams of Pittsburgh in lower esteem than I do. I hate Pittsburgh with a fiery passion. My little sister actually dates a guy from Pittsburgh. Let me repeat that - my sweet, innocent, baby sister has been getting the business from one of Pittsburgh’s native sons. Every time I think about it, I literally throw-up a bit in my mouth. I’ve had to listen to that idiot chirping in my ear this entire playoff series. Pittsburgh haunts my dreams.
“The Burgh,” as it’s so affectionately referred to by the locals, may very well be the easiest town in America to make fun of. It’s the only place I can think of that may also actually be jealous of Cleveland. At least Cleveland has LeBron. Have you ever driven into that city from I-70? The skyline resembles Warsaw, circa 1942. I’d actually rather live in Baghdad than Pittsburgh…better looking women. Ya know what you get when you cross a pig and chick from Pittsburgh?...Nothing - there’s some things even a pig won’t do. At least Pittsburgh remains true to its heritage, which I suppose is somewhat noble. It continues to follow in the great tradition of most mining towns, in that the majority of its citizens are either inbred, illiterate, or both. And Pittsburgh driver’s…wow. I think the only folks born in all of Western PA that can actually keep their vehicles inside their own lanes also have big orange triangles mounted to the rear of their buggy’s… At least the Amish obey the speed limit signs.
I have noticed how proud Pittsburgh natives are of those “pristine” rivers that run through town…that's right, the same gorgeous rivers that they all refuse to swim in for fear of infection. They’re also proud of the Duquesne incline cable car, or simply the “Incline” as the locals call it…most probably because no one in Pittsburgh has any clue how to pronounce “Duquesne.” Another Pittsburgh landmark is of course Primanti Bros. Restaurant - famous for putting slaw, meat and fries between two slices of bread…which explains all the girlish figures strutting down Pittsburgh’s strip district. Pittsburgh is also home to the world headquarters for American Eagle Outfitters. Now we know who to thank the next time we see anyone wearing that out-dated knock-off of Abercrombie gear. Natives of Pittsburgh also seem to have their own language - “Pittsburghese” - which no one outside of Pittsburgh really cares to learn or even understand. Who calls vacuums “sweepers”?? Why would anyone ever call a rubber band a “gum band”?? Horrible. I’d rather listen to my parents fornicate than be subjected to any significant stretch of that uniquely Pittsburgh verbal afterbirth.
I would’ve enjoyed inserting a few quips bashing Pittsburgh’s pro basketball franchise here…but apparently the NBA doesn’t want anything to do that miscarriage of a city either.
As for baseball, the Pirates (and their fans, for that matter) also aren’t really worth saying too much about. Their self-adopted theme song & long-time un-official anthem “We Are Family,” a song by 70’s disco group “Sister Sledge,” is still synonymous with their city…as well as with homosexuality in most other parts of the country. The Pirates have had a commendable SEVEN 100-loss seasons, and haven’t appeared in a single World Series game in 30 years. Those Bucs are also currently the proud owners of an ongoing 17-year streak of losing seasons…the longest such streak in ALL of professional sports. Congrats, Pirates fans! Now I don’t feel so bad rooting for the Nationals!
Pittsburgh Steelers fans, on the other hand, are some of the most utterly obnoxious and disgusting people you could ever have the “pleasure” meeting. I actually feel sorry for them. Their stadium weapon of choice is the “Terrible Towell,” which is, well, terrible. It wouldn’t be so terrible, however, if they’d actually shower and use those rags. I mean, I just don’t think I’ve ever met a Steerler’s fan who’s been accused of having adequate hygiene. …And Pittsburgh loooves it some Ben Roethliswhatever. This is a guy who’s nick-named after a friggin’ British clock - now THAT’s intimidation. This moron wrecked a 1300cc motorcycle in “beautiful” downtown Pittsburgh without wearing a helmet…or even having a damn motorcycle license! That is definitely the type of guy I’d want at the most cerebral position on my football team…good choice. Tough road to earning that position too…he had to overtake the quarterbacking prowess of both ex-XFL stud Tommy Maddux and Charlie Batch to “win” the starting position, not to mention the affection of all those hot, well-educated miner’s daughters. You can tell how obviously well-respected he is nationally from all the choice endorsements he’s landed…like Fathead. Nothing says “superstar” like a being featured in an ad campaign for removable dorm art. Now that Dan Rooney is the official US Ambassador to Ireland maybe he can help land Bennie-boy a spot in the next Guinness campaign.
P.S. - Big Ben has jungle fever. True story. Google it. The internet doesn’t lie
…and don’t even get me started on Crosby and the pathetic Pens…
You wanna know the hardest thing about being a Cindy Crosby fan?...Finally telling your parents that you’re gay. …And WTF is up with his porn stache? It looks like he’d have to be in the playoffs for the next 10 years or so to grow a respectable playoff beard. And the guy lives with his team’s owner for Pete’s sake. What the hell is that all about? I wonder if super Mario makes him do the dishes… I actually think that Lemieux should seriously consider changing their team name to the “Opossums"…I mean, they play dead at home and get killed on the road. I do, however, understand the argument to keep them as the Penguins…especially after watching them all dive for the past six games. Every time we touch one of those pansies they hit the ice harder than recovering meth addicts. As for Malkin, it seems he’s been honing his acting skills OFF the ice as well. I hear he’s got a great non-speaking part in a commercial for a Pittsburgh area Mercedes dealership… If you haven’t seen it, try YouTube, or just take my word for it - NO ONE can nod and grunt like ‘ol Geno. And how about the “state-of-the-art” Mellon Arena. Hell, no one in Pittsburgh even knows that’s what their own sports complex is called - a decade later they still think it’s the Civic Arena. How about that gem of a deal the city had to agree to just to keep the Pens in town?? They’ll have to allow a casino to be built adjacent to the new arena, which incidentally will be developed by the same company that built those well-planned Detroit area casinos…this should turn out well.
In closing, I’d just like to say that I go to sleep every night praying for a tomorrow without the city of Pittsburgh…and every morning I wake up to disappointment. It’s like the movie Groundhog Day - except the city in question is far less charming than Punxsutawney. I can hardly wait until the puck drops tomorrow night so I can watch my Washington Capitals finally end this nightmare by putting the Penguins, and the entire City of Pittsburgh, out of its misery once and for all.
C-A-P-S, CAPS, CAPS, CAPS!!!
I’d like to preface this diatribe by saying that I can’t imagine ANYONE who holds the city, people, and sports teams of Pittsburgh in lower esteem than I do. I hate Pittsburgh with a fiery passion. My little sister actually dates a guy from Pittsburgh. Let me repeat that - my sweet, innocent, baby sister has been getting the business from one of Pittsburgh’s native sons. Every time I think about it, I literally throw-up a bit in my mouth. I’ve had to listen to that idiot chirping in my ear this entire playoff series. Pittsburgh haunts my dreams.
“The Burgh,” as it’s so affectionately referred to by the locals, may very well be the easiest town in America to make fun of. It’s the only place I can think of that may also actually be jealous of Cleveland. At least Cleveland has LeBron. Have you ever driven into that city from I-70? The skyline resembles Warsaw, circa 1942. I’d actually rather live in Baghdad than Pittsburgh…better looking women. Ya know what you get when you cross a pig and chick from Pittsburgh?...Nothing - there’s some things even a pig won’t do. At least Pittsburgh remains true to its heritage, which I suppose is somewhat noble. It continues to follow in the great tradition of most mining towns, in that the majority of its citizens are either inbred, illiterate, or both. And Pittsburgh driver’s…wow. I think the only folks born in all of Western PA that can actually keep their vehicles inside their own lanes also have big orange triangles mounted to the rear of their buggy’s… At least the Amish obey the speed limit signs.
I have noticed how proud Pittsburgh natives are of those “pristine” rivers that run through town…that's right, the same gorgeous rivers that they all refuse to swim in for fear of infection. They’re also proud of the Duquesne incline cable car, or simply the “Incline” as the locals call it…most probably because no one in Pittsburgh has any clue how to pronounce “Duquesne.” Another Pittsburgh landmark is of course Primanti Bros. Restaurant - famous for putting slaw, meat and fries between two slices of bread…which explains all the girlish figures strutting down Pittsburgh’s strip district. Pittsburgh is also home to the world headquarters for American Eagle Outfitters. Now we know who to thank the next time we see anyone wearing that out-dated knock-off of Abercrombie gear. Natives of Pittsburgh also seem to have their own language - “Pittsburghese” - which no one outside of Pittsburgh really cares to learn or even understand. Who calls vacuums “sweepers”?? Why would anyone ever call a rubber band a “gum band”?? Horrible. I’d rather listen to my parents fornicate than be subjected to any significant stretch of that uniquely Pittsburgh verbal afterbirth.
I would’ve enjoyed inserting a few quips bashing Pittsburgh’s pro basketball franchise here…but apparently the NBA doesn’t want anything to do that miscarriage of a city either.
As for baseball, the Pirates (and their fans, for that matter) also aren’t really worth saying too much about. Their self-adopted theme song & long-time un-official anthem “We Are Family,” a song by 70’s disco group “Sister Sledge,” is still synonymous with their city…as well as with homosexuality in most other parts of the country. The Pirates have had a commendable SEVEN 100-loss seasons, and haven’t appeared in a single World Series game in 30 years. Those Bucs are also currently the proud owners of an ongoing 17-year streak of losing seasons…the longest such streak in ALL of professional sports. Congrats, Pirates fans! Now I don’t feel so bad rooting for the Nationals!
Pittsburgh Steelers fans, on the other hand, are some of the most utterly obnoxious and disgusting people you could ever have the “pleasure” meeting. I actually feel sorry for them. Their stadium weapon of choice is the “Terrible Towell,” which is, well, terrible. It wouldn’t be so terrible, however, if they’d actually shower and use those rags. I mean, I just don’t think I’ve ever met a Steerler’s fan who’s been accused of having adequate hygiene. …And Pittsburgh loooves it some Ben Roethliswhatever. This is a guy who’s nick-named after a friggin’ British clock - now THAT’s intimidation. This moron wrecked a 1300cc motorcycle in “beautiful” downtown Pittsburgh without wearing a helmet…or even having a damn motorcycle license! That is definitely the type of guy I’d want at the most cerebral position on my football team…good choice. Tough road to earning that position too…he had to overtake the quarterbacking prowess of both ex-XFL stud Tommy Maddux and Charlie Batch to “win” the starting position, not to mention the affection of all those hot, well-educated miner’s daughters. You can tell how obviously well-respected he is nationally from all the choice endorsements he’s landed…like Fathead. Nothing says “superstar” like a being featured in an ad campaign for removable dorm art. Now that Dan Rooney is the official US Ambassador to Ireland maybe he can help land Bennie-boy a spot in the next Guinness campaign.
P.S. - Big Ben has jungle fever. True story. Google it. The internet doesn’t lie
…and don’t even get me started on Crosby and the pathetic Pens…
You wanna know the hardest thing about being a Cindy Crosby fan?...Finally telling your parents that you’re gay. …And WTF is up with his porn stache? It looks like he’d have to be in the playoffs for the next 10 years or so to grow a respectable playoff beard. And the guy lives with his team’s owner for Pete’s sake. What the hell is that all about? I wonder if super Mario makes him do the dishes… I actually think that Lemieux should seriously consider changing their team name to the “Opossums"…I mean, they play dead at home and get killed on the road. I do, however, understand the argument to keep them as the Penguins…especially after watching them all dive for the past six games. Every time we touch one of those pansies they hit the ice harder than recovering meth addicts. As for Malkin, it seems he’s been honing his acting skills OFF the ice as well. I hear he’s got a great non-speaking part in a commercial for a Pittsburgh area Mercedes dealership… If you haven’t seen it, try YouTube, or just take my word for it - NO ONE can nod and grunt like ‘ol Geno. And how about the “state-of-the-art” Mellon Arena. Hell, no one in Pittsburgh even knows that’s what their own sports complex is called - a decade later they still think it’s the Civic Arena. How about that gem of a deal the city had to agree to just to keep the Pens in town?? They’ll have to allow a casino to be built adjacent to the new arena, which incidentally will be developed by the same company that built those well-planned Detroit area casinos…this should turn out well.
In closing, I’d just like to say that I go to sleep every night praying for a tomorrow without the city of Pittsburgh…and every morning I wake up to disappointment. It’s like the movie Groundhog Day - except the city in question is far less charming than Punxsutawney. I can hardly wait until the puck drops tomorrow night so I can watch my Washington Capitals finally end this nightmare by putting the Penguins, and the entire City of Pittsburgh, out of its misery once and for all.
C-A-P-S, CAPS, CAPS, CAPS!!!
